My Whys for Starting a Business with Plexus

I am a feelings girl, not a business woman. I care about things that I'm passionate about. Starting a network marketing business isn't really my style. So, why am I doing it?

Really, my story starts with my mom. When I was a little girl, I remember my mom baking cookies, working in the yard, visiting with the neighbors, swimming, and having picnics with us in the front yard under our beautiful magnolia tree. Mom seemed pretty happy. When I was around 10 years old, Mom started getting really tired. She was just tired all the time. She took naps, and she took us out of school to home school us. Getting up in the morning and driving us to school was getting to be too much for her. That year she home schooled us was amazing. We spent so much time together. Mom made it so special, and my little brother and I did very well. We went back to school the next year, and mom started getting really stressed. She would break down more and more frequently, and it just got worse as time went on. After a few years of this, she was finally diagnosed with depression and started taking an antidepressant. That started bringing our mom back to us. Whenever she would forget to take her medication or try to go off of it, the darkness would take over again. My mom and I have been through a lot, and I am proud of the relationship we have today despite the dark times we went through together.

I got married when I was 22 years old. We were pregnant with our first child a few months after our wedding, but spent our first Christmas in the hospital because I miscarried at 8.5 weeks. After a few more months, I was pregnant again, and we had our firstborn in February 2004, second in February 2006, third in December 2007, fourth in November 2009, fifth in September 2011, sixth in August 2013, and seventh in November 2015. I've breastfed each of these children between 15 months and almost 4 years. Postpartum depression has gotten worse with each one.  I started seeing myself go through what I had lived through with my mom, and it scared me. After our sixth child, I finally saw a doctor and started an antidepressant. In a few weeks, I started feeling like myself again! It was amazing. When I got pregnant with our seventh, I stopped my medication immediately. I was afraid it would hurt my baby. That pregnancy was the hardest pregnancy I've ever had emotionally. After I had her, I got back on my medication, and that's where I am now: 37 years old with 7 children ages 13, 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, and 1.

When my friend (also Sarah) started talking to me about Plexus, she invited me to learn more by joining a 7 day challenge group. In this group, I tried a 7 day sample pack of their signature product called Slim. Slim is a blood sugar stabilizer, and it's delicious! I watched the videos they posted everyday, and was so inspired to hear other moms like me who found themselves again after taking Plexus. They got their energy back and were able to be the happy wives and mamas they wanted to be! That's what really sold me, and I made the decision to join Plexus as an ambassador, and start my journey to a healthy gut. I cannot wait to see the healing this could bring! I want what these other people have.

The initial reason I joined as an ambassador was cost. If I paid the $35 membership fee, I would get a nice discount on my products. 2 weeks in, I am getting quickly inspired by my very energetic team to go for it with the business.

As a family of 9, money is always tight, and if I can bring in an income from this, that would really help! Here are my goals/dreams for my Plexus business:

1. I want my mom to find true healing and have a happier life because of better health.

2. I want to become my healthiest self, and be a better wife and mom than ever before. I would love to not need my antidepressant!

3. I want my husband to be his healthiest self and have more energy.

4. I want my business to completely pay for our Plexus products, and soon earn over and above that to help with our finances.

5. I never want to be defined as a "business woman". I want to help people, and if these products are going to bring physical and emotional health to me and my friends and family, that's something I can be passionate about!

Mid First Week Report

As usual, my plan is not going off without a hitch, but it's okay. :)

Monday and Tuesday went very well, and I've been doing pretty well with my macros all week, but I haven't gotten my workouts in as I was planning. Today is cheat day. YAY.

See, Wednesdays and Thursdays are a little crazy for us. Wednesday, we have dance classes from 5:30-7:00. Thursdays, Matt works a full day at the hospital, comes home and tries to sleep before going to his home care job overnight and straight to another full day at the hospital Friday morning. It's crazy. So, that kinda threw off the workout schedule.

As far as my new Plexus journey, my box arrived yesterday!!! Matt and I are splitting it for now until we can afford to get 2 Triplex combo packs per month. I had my first official Slim pink drink yesterday, and we both took a ProBio5 (their probiotic)with dinner. This morning, we both took 2 BioCleanse capsules, and Matt took 2 Xfactor capsules. Well, we are both feeling the cleanse already... especially Matt... at work... Sorry, honey!

I am so happy school is almost over! The next big thing is our dance recital. We have 5 children performing this year, and I'm in 2 performances myself! It will be quite a day!!

Anyway, I hope you are all taking care of your own O2 masks! Have a great day!

My egg whites didn't turn out too bad ;)

New Before Pics and Day One of MY Journey Begins!

I am so excited to begin MY journey today. I put that in all caps everytime to constantly remind me to own it. Own this journey. Own this plan. Own my motivation. This is MY journey this time.

I am currently 150 lbs. My goal is 130 lbs. I had Matt take new before pics for me. I am trying to focus on looking ahead to future gains, not on all I lost... So, posting these requires some bravery. I have to reject all the feelings of shame that I'm tempted to feel. It's not because I'm just ashamed of how I look. It's because I lost so much that I'd worked so hard for. So, please do not think that I think a 150 lb 5'4" woman is in terrible shape. No body shaming here, and that has to start with not body shaming myself. <3 Oh, I should take measurements too. I'll have to do that next time.

I lost my food scale. So, I'm just using measuring cups for now.

After the kids got home from school, and we picked up our new fish from a neighbor, we all piled in the van to meet Daddy at the YMCA. Boy, that childcare is a total game changer!

I didn't want to do my floor exercises in front of everyone at the gym. So, I hit all the leg machines they have. I did one set of 20 at a challenging weight. Then, did one more set of 20 at one level heavier. I also did 15 minutes on the good old stairstepper. I got 50 floors in. 

After the YMCA, we got Little Caesars for the kids since we were pressed for time. We dropped off the 3 that had a dance class. Then, Matt went to Applebee's to get us some salads (Grilled Chicken caesar). I took all the croutons off of mine and didn't use the dressing. It was so good!!

When we got home, I jumped down to the basement with Isaiah and did my floor exercises. Wow! good workout!! Give it a try! Just switch the sets and reps. They got those switched around!

So, here's my day in my notebook. As you can see, Selah got a hold of it. I was under my protein, and over my carbs and fats. Not too shabby for day one, though!!

Whew!! I worked hard today!!!

Okay, but what's up with the Plexus thing??

A couple weeks ago, my friend, Sarah Centers, started talking to me about Plexus. She is a Gold ambassador, and she has seen incredible results with the products for herself and her family. She invited me to be a part of a 7 day challenge on Facebook. I tried their product called "Slim". Today was the 7th day. So, I'm out!! :(  Anyway, I watched the videos of people giving their testimonies about how the Plexus products have been life changing for them and their family. I especially related to the burned out mamas who tried it out of desperation to feel better, have more energy, and not be so grumpy with their families. I desperately want that too. By the 6th day, I was wanting what these people had. I talked to Matt, and we came up with a plan to make it work. Now, I am a Plexus ambassador, and my Triplex welcome pack will be coming to me in the next few days!!

I want to document my experience with Plexus on myo2mask so you can learn about this with me. The first thing I want to do is write a list of my whys:

1. I want to be a happy wife and mom.
2. I want more energy!
3. I would love to be able to get off of my antidepressant.
4. It would be a great bonus if I actually did make a little income with this company.
5. I want to help my husband and family be at their best.

So, it is another new adventure for me! If you want to join me and try this out, let me know. They often have those 7 day facebook challenges, and I'd love to have friends and family to walk with me in this. If you want to check out their product line, here's my fancy schmancy Plexus website: HERE.

I am a little skeptical. I have trust issues especially with sales companies... So, Plexus is going to have to prove themselves to me!

In Defense of The Messy Housewife

Luke 10:38-42  

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary,who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

For me, it's easy to be Mary. I see people. I see moments. I see memories. I see emotion and hurt feelings. When something is spilled or broken, my first thought and words out of my mouth are: "Is everyone okay?! Is anyone hurt?", not about the thing broken or the mess made. I see the truth in Ms Frizzle's quote, "Get messy! Make mistakes!"

My hero: Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus

The problem is that we housewives are not judged by how well adjusted our children are, how kind they are to other kids, or how they look out for each other. We are not judged by how well we have supported our husband's goals and dreams over the years. We are not judged by how much sleep we've lost to comfort and care for children, how we take the time to listen to their long accounts of their bad (or good) dreams, or how we breastfeed a baby through the whole night constantly sacrificing personal space. We are not judged by our smile, our hugs, or our patience.

No, I am judged by one thing more than anything else: the state of my house. If the house is clean and organized, laundry and dishes kept up, and meals planned; I am a success! If the house is a mess, I have dozens of loads of laundry to do, a sink overflowing with dishes, and I beg for takeout just so I don't have to add cooking to my list of things to do; I am a failure. My house is either my pride or my shame.

I want to speak out against this shaming. I want to stand up for myself, and hopefully help other messy housewives find the strength to stand up for themselves.

I am worth more than the state of my house. It's not fair to judge someone on their weaknesses. Why not see each other for our strengths? We "Marys" often feel extremely intimidated by "Marthas". Honestly, Marthas make me feel like a total screw up. I have so much respect for them and their beautiful welcoming homes. Often, they are very loving women that work hard to use their homes as a way to love others. Ugh!! I want to be like that so much!!! I feel like I should be able to be strong in all the Mary things and the Martha things too.


Is that realistic, though? I really don't think it is in this stage of my life, and "this stage of my life" has lasted over a dozen years now. One day, I won't have babies to hold and nurse or toddlers at my feet, but for the last 12 1/2 years, that has been my life constantly. Pregnant one year, infant the next, toddler and pregnant the next year, infant and toddler, pregnant and toddlers, on and on and on for 7 children. I am indeed a rich RICH woman, but all these growing little ones demand a lot of time and attention, and they make a lot of messes. I think it's reasonable to extend a little grace my way. 

Please, see my strengths when you see me, and understand that I want desperately to be better at keeping up with my housework. Maybe we need a new title. "Housewife" implies that our primary job is the house. Someone once told me that caring for the house was my calling and my ministry. No, friend. The house is just a part of it. My "ministry" is contained in the hearts and spirits of my husband and children. Yes, caring for them includes housework. I just don't want to be judged solely on how I stink at housekeeping. I am much more than that.

When Matt fell in love with me, he saw my people skills. He saw my love and care I have for people. Please don't reduce my worth to a messy house or even occasionally a clean one. There was a time when I would've accepted that shame and let it break me down, but I am seeing the fruit of my strengths as a wife and mom now. I have supported my husband through finishing his college degree, many job changes, a major career change, nursing school, and continuing his education to this day. Our children are kind and smart and strong, and we have developed a good open line of communication.

Don't look at me and see a messy house. I am in the business of heartkeeping more than housekeeping. I will get better at the housekeeping part, and I truly need to get better at it. However, judge me by my strengths, and I'll judge you by yours. 

Love and peace to you all. I'll sign off with a picture of Selah in the sock basket.

Joy on a Crazy Monday Morning (Mom, you're gonna love this one)

Right now, Selah is in her pack n play right next to me screaming. I just nursed her and changed her. She just wants me, and that's okay, but sometimes Mommy needs a break!  ---Just as I was writing that, Silas came in, put a little drum and little drumstick in the pack n play for Selah, and she's happy now. Praise Jesus for thoughtful siblings!!

I wanted to write this morning because my heart has been just overflowing with joy and gratitude and love.  I've been very stressed about getting our house refinanced because it means a guy has to come do a walk through. I just wanted the house to look it's best. Well, it's not going to look how I want it to look, and I will be hiding the dirty laundry in black trash bags in the shed...

Okay, but listen. Even though the house is messy, dishes are mounting high in the sink, and we are in the middle of repainting the dining room, we had Matt's brothers over last night for poker night.  It was so fun! Instead of letting the messy house control our plans, we chose to enjoy our brothers. We needed that time catching up, laughing, and just being together. It had been way too long. That sink full of dishes didn't even matter.

This morning, I wanted to get up early, take a very needed shower, and finally get some clean clothes on myself.  Instead, Matt and I overslept, the milk was almost gone, Isaiah missed his bus, and we couldn't find Matt's coffee cup... just to name a few mishaps!

Normally, I would've been a total wreck, in tears, probably shouting, and everyone would be miserable, but not this morning. When we overslept, Matt came over and just held me. He told me how he loved me so much and snuggled his face in my cheek. For some reason, my spirit remained joyful as we ushered our kids through getting ready for school. I got the coffee made, helped them find their shoes, and made time to sit with Matt and tell him how I wish he knew how much I loved him and how I wished time would just stop so I could just stare at his face and hold him all day. Even though he had to get to work, he got Eli's prophy treatment done.

We were running too late for the kids to walk to school. Isaiah missed his bus. Ana was a little grumpy because Daisy had kept her up last night. However, we just laughed about it. Happy Monday, Reeves family!!

I believe God was showing me something. He was showing me all the joy I miss when I let my circumstances control me. I would've missed out on that fun time with Matt's brothers last night. I would've missed out on Matt's affection this morning. I would've missed those little smiles; in fact, I would've snuffed them out. I would've missed seeing the principal give my Ana a look to match her grumpy face and make her smile on her way into school. I would've missed Daisy dancing to the music on the radio. I would've missed teasing Isaiah about our being his bus today and enjoying that extra time with him on the 15 minute ride to his school. I would've missed that sassy preteen look he gives me, and feeling that tug in my heart as I watched him walk into the school and down the hall. Yes, I sat there and watched him! Don't judge me! ;)

There is much freedom in this lesson. I am not a prisoner to my circumstances. I can be happy when life is a mess. I can be free! I have been living in an unlocked prison cell; but wow, it sure feels locked when my postpartum depression kicks in.

In the process of writing this, Selah has had more episodes of crankiness, I have picked her up and nursed her 2 or 3 times. Daisy and Silas just got in a fight over applesauce. I confess, I did yell, but when I'm nursing the baby in the next room, it's not easy to get over to them and physically break up the fight. Oh well. Onward in this joy journey on this crazy Monday! Circumstances do not control me. I can choose joy. Yes, Mom. I said it. You've waited 36 years for this. ;) I hope this encourages someone else to courageously choose joy in the midst of chaos today.

. . .Now, about that shower. . .

Weekend

This weekend did not go as I expected, but hey, that's normal, right? Saturday, I was dressed and ready to go do my workout when my friend's son texted and said he was on his way to do some yard work for us. He did an amazing job!! It is such a relief to have things cleaned up out there! He worked for about 6 hours, and by the evening, I needed to get my little people fed, bathed, and to bed. That workout didn't happen!

Sunday, my oldest was down sick all day. We didn't make it to church. . . again. I had to go shopping. We were out of coffee at home. So, I bought a $0.50 coffee at the Meijer bakery. The only thing they had were those little creamers. So, I cheated on Whole30, and put 2 creamers in my coffee. It was gross, but it helped clear my head!

We stopped by Mad Goat on the way home. I got a cold brew coffee for me, a hot coffee (with heavy whipping cream) for Matt, and 2 bags of coffee beans for home. We dropped off Matt's coffee at the hospital, and we went home. The boys were in charge of bringing the groceries in from the van. Well, 1 of the 3 gallons of milk made it in whole. . .

I caved and put heavy whipping cream in my coffee. Then, I added stuff and put it in the blender to make it a smoothie. It was good, but another cheat because no dairy is allowed on Whole30.

The kids and I worked on picking up the house all day, and I made dinner. No workout again.

I could sit here and beat myself up over my failures this weekend, but I'm not going to do that. We moms are our own punching bags too often. Instead, I'm going to list all the things that went right this weekend:

• Our yard got some MUCH needed attention.
• I didn't yell at my kids (scolded, yes; but no yelling).
• Snuggles and book reading with my little ones
• Precious time spent caring for my oldest
• The house still needs a lot of work (laundry is my enemy), but it's much more picked up now!
• We got an invisible fence for Eleanor, and she's responding to it beautifully!
• We are eating healthier.
• The kids and I were able to really bless Matt with that middle-of-the-day coffee yesterday. :)

Some of my time this weekend has been well spent reading STILL {when all else fades away} by Tiffany Nardoni. This book is my friend's heart printed on paper. You cannot read her story and not change. This has everything to do with my perspective on this weekend. Tiffany has been to the worst place any parent can imagine, and she'll be the first to tell you that things are just things. Plans fail. The only things of true value are God's love, our trust and faith in him, moments spent loving our family and friends, and learning to hold what (and who) we love with an open hand. How could I be down in the dumps over laundry, a couple cheats on Whole30, and missed workouts after that? No, I can't. Reading her story opens my eyes to the importance of: reading that storybook with my little one, snuggling with my babies on the porch swing, a soft answer to wild children, smiling and enjoying their silliness, and seeing how my 12 year old still covets and treasures my attention when he's feeling sick. These little things are actually the big things. Tiffany, if you're reading this, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am only on chapter 6, and it is already helping me be a better wife and mom. I am blessed to call you my friend. Love you!

So, today, I am going to care for these precious people who call me Mom, feed them, get done what I can, and remember that today is a gift. If we don't get a tomorrow, what will I wish I would've done today? 

Love and hugs from this mama to you. Have a happy Labor Day!

Day 3. Everything is going to be okay.

Over the last couple weeks (or has it been 3 weeks now?), I have been so down because I have felt very robbed of a friendship and a part of my life that brought me a lot of joy. For some reason, I feel like I have things in a better perspective today, and I just thank my God for that.

I miss the gym. I do. Going to the gym forced me and my support network to make time for me to focus on ME. I had scheduled sessions. I had goals. My husband, my mother in law, and my kids all supported me. It was amazing. I had so much positivity all around me. No wonder it wasn't a struggle to stick with it. It wasn't just the personal physical "gains", it was all the praise. Huge lesson here: Do not let yourself be motivated by the praise of others. Doing that is just building your house on sand, and houses built on sand will not stand up to the storms that will come.

Here are some awesome truths about my oxygen mask I learned in my 4 short months at the gym:

First, I really need to prioritize making time for myself without the kids away from the house once or twice a week.  Regularly making time for myself without the kids was truly life changing. Just because I am not going to the gym right now doesn't mean that has to stop. 

Second, my nutrition affects my whole family. Let me repeat that: MY nutrition affects my whole family. If I eat well, I am a much better wife and mom. If I eat garbage or don't eat, I am a total mess. It is not loving self sacrifice. It is self neglect, and it inhibits my ability to serve my family well. 

Third, it is vital to treat myself with love and respect if I am going to grow in any way. When I got so down, I immediately started neglecting and abusing myself. I think a lot of us do that. Why is that? It must be because we lost sight of loving and respecting ourselves along the way.

Fourth, don't let fear motivate you. Just don't. Let yourself be stretched. You will be better for it.

Lastly, I want to reiterate the big lesson I mentioned above: Do not let yourself be motivated by the praise of others. Be encouraged, yes, but do not let that praise become your motivation to reach your goals or follow your dreams. Your goals are YOURS. Your dreams are YOURS. Don't let anyone steal that from you. 

Good good thoughts on my heart today. Praising my Jesus for shining His light of truth in my heart.

Today was my day 3 in The 21 Day Fix: Lower Fix. It's a good workout! It was more challenging today because my little Selah was at my feet, but Matt was there to help. So, that was good!!  I can stick with this for 21 days. I got this. :)

This was also our second day on Whole30. It's already feeling so good to eat healthy! The biggest thing for me so far has been my coffee. Yesterday, I had unsweetened vanilla almond milk in it. Today, I tried coconut oil. I did not expect to like it, but it was surprisingly okay! Better than the almond milk, for sure.

Stew: ground beef, sweet potatoes, spinach,
 onion, salsa, and seasonings.

That's it for today! I hope something here encouraged you. I don't know who you are, but I know the God who made you to be your unique self. It is honoring to Him to treat ourselves with love and respect. Take care of yourself today, okay? I'm rooting for you!

Day 2

Today's workout was SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday's!!!! Number one, Matt is off today. That makes everything better. :) Also, we started The Whole 30 this morning! So, I've eaten healthy food all day as opposed to the garbage I've been eating these last couple weeks. First day, and I already feel better!

So, since my workout was such a joke yesterday, I decided to double up today. I did Cardio Fix again. Then, I went right into Upper Fix. It's a good workout, and I was actually able to participate because my sweet little Selah was taking her nap. ;)

I'm breaking the rules a little because I'm doing Whole 30 instead of the 21 Day Fix nutrition plan for now, but that's okay. ;)

Lastly, I give myself major props for having unsweetened vanilla almond milk in my coffee this morning. It's okay. I can do it.

Have an awesome day, friends!

Breakfast! Eggs, yellow peppers, spinach, and salsa
Smoothie: strawberries, blueberries, banana, ice water

Quityerbellyachin

Dad's birthday 2014

When your dad dies, you can't pick up the phone and talk to him about what's going on in your life. So, you have to remember what he's always taught you, and apply it. No doubt, this is the very best way to honor your dad's memory.

Recently, I was fooled into thinking someone was a good friend. The truth revealed something very different, and that hurt a lot. If I could talk to my dad about this, he would tell me to see this person for who they have been shown to be and move on with my life.  Even though Dad isn't here to defend me, he is part of me. I have that same fire in my spirit.

Here's what I know he would want me to remember. The God of the whole universe loves me! The universe is infinitely bigger than this situation. He would talk about how tiny the earth is in comparison to the rest of the universe. He used this to help put things in perspective. He would talk about how amazing it is that the God who created this vast universe became one of us to save us because He loves us. He was in awe and often brought to tears over God's love for him.

I was so blessed to have an earthly father who loved me. I am married to a wonderful man who shows me true selfless love everyday. Not to mention the rest of my family and friends who have proven themselves to be true. I don't need to waste another day feeling down about someone that was never truly my friend in the first place. Yes, it is very sad, but I have so much more in my life that needs my attention and so much to be happy about:

-My 21 Day Fix came in the mail yesterday! I admit, I am not super excited to get into workout videos again, but I am happy to have a fresh start, and I am happy to join an encouraging fitness community. Also, I'm going to do The Whole 30 Diet for the month of September with a friend of mine. I've never done it, but I've heard it is an amazing nutritional reset. I got lots of healthy food at the store today, and I'm really excited about it... except for the part where I have to drink my coffee black...

-Another huge thing is that I have my amazing friend's new book about her journey through the tragic loss of her little boy. I cannot wait to read her story and write my heart out about what I learn through her.

-Our children have had a wonderful beginning to the new school year! They've been early everyday which is just incredible. They are working hard, and I am so proud of all of them!

-The last major thing is that we have the opportunity to refinance our home to lower our house payment. So, I have a lot of work to do to get ready for the appraiser who's coming next week!! I'm really scared...

Lots of things going on. Lots of people. Lots of energy happening all around me. So much good. So much work to do. So many blessings.

Thank you for all the good advice, Dad. I appreciate it now more than ever.

Today would've been my dad's 77th birthday. I want to honor him by turning the page on this recent drama, and using the stubbornness I got from him to start the next exciting chapter of my oxygen mask. In dad's words:

Sar, Quit Yer Bellyachin!!

Yes, Dad. You are right...

Mommy's Day Off

Last night, Matt told me he wanted me to take the whole day off today. He stayed home with all 7 children and worked on the house. We did meet up this afternoon to attend a friend's birthday party together. I stayed out all day shopping, relaxing; and best of all, I got to go to my friend's book launch at our local coffee shop and visit with sweet friends there.

My Sexy Babywearing Hero

Today, God showed me that I am not alone, and I have some really great friends that genuinely care about me. I'm getting more and more excited about starting the 21 Day Fix. I also decided to start the Whole 30 on September 1st with a friend of mine. I'm trying to say yes to opportunities to plug into groups of good friends who want to challenge each other to reach common goals of health and fitness. 

When I came home tonight, I was refreshed and happy. I needed this day off badly. I am so encouraged. I truly feel like I can turn the page from all the fitness related negativity I've experienced recently, and jump into the next phase with enthusiastic abandon!

I am so so thankful for today.

I am so thankful for my husband.

I am so thankful for my God who has shown his lovingkindness to me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13)

I've got this because He's got me. 

Sticks and Stones

It has been about 2 weeks since I worked out or paid much attention to my nutrition. It has been a heavy couple of weeks. Last Friday after some kind strong words of wisdom from my husband, I was encouraged and inspired to get back on my game, but things really fell apart for me quickly. I didn't realize that I was letting myself be completely driven by the approval and praise of one individual. Although it has been very painful, it is good that that weakness has been revealed in me. I made this picture a few days ago to illustrate how I've been feeling lately:

Nobody should have that much power over me. All those thoughts oppressing me are from Satan. I've worked too hard to give it all up now. I don't feel comfortable going to any gym right now. I need to do something different. So, I am going to give Beachbody workout videos a try. I'm mainly doing it because of the great community and support network that comes with it. My friend is a coach. She is in incredible shape, and I really look up to her as a Christian woman and mom. I'm going to join her team for a while. I'm trying to be optimistic. I just need time to adjust and re acclimate. I still don't have the motivation and drive I need to succeed, but I'm in a growing process right now. I look forward to my spirit getting stronger even more than I look forward to my body getting toned and strong.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." is a total lie. Words can be life-giving or cancer-spreading to your spirit. They can drive you to succeed or devastate you. I cannot express how thankful I am for my husband. His gentle loving words of truth are an anchor for me while I am in this storm. 

Heartbreak and Resolve

Over the last 4 months, I have had the opportunity to work with an outstanding personal trainer. I have lost about 30 pounds, gained a lot of strength, and learned a lot about fitness nutrition. If you've read my blog, you know how much I appreciate all I've gained from my trainer, not to mention how my whole family has grown to love and respect him.

My last post was about switching gyms. I don't regret that decision. It's is a much better fit for our family. It has a nice play area for the kids, and it's significantly less expensive.

I am very sad to say that I no longer have my trainer.  He is going through some hard things with a previous employer, and no longer wishes to train me or Matt. For about a week, I have been so discouraged, feeling like scrapping it all and never setting foot in a gym again. I ate 5 brownies one day, 2 servings of ice cream another day, and quit recording my macros. My only motivation has been to crawl into a hole and hide for a while. Yesterday, I actually started getting physically ill under the stress of it all. Okay, yes, it might have also had something to do with my bad food choices lately, but still. I haven't just lost a trainer, I've lost a friend.

Yesterday, I posted this on my facebook account:

I love people. I am quickly defensive of my friends and loyal to a fault. My heart is on my sleeve, always open, and trusts too easily. Most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it hurts especially when there are situations completely out of my control. My heart is so broken right now. I can't fix this. Sorry for being so vague. I just hope those who know what's going on will see this.

Matt has been advising me not to give up on my goals and dreams, not to throw away all the work I've done.  Last night, something he said truly reached my heart. I asked him if he thought this situation should harden me a bit, and he said this (paraphrased): "I think you need to put more value in everything that you put in people. Not just your trust, but yourself, your friendship you give people. When you develop a relationship with someone, you begin to pour yourself into that person. The deeper that friendship goes the more you invest. You advocate for them. You fight for them. You love and support them. Sometimes you challenge them to help them grow. Do not give that away so quickly or easily. Make them actually earn it. It is a very valuable part of you for someone to have."

So, this morning, I feel new resolve. I am not going to stop loving people with an open heart. I am just going to stop expecting so much from them on a personal level so quickly. I'm going to try to apply more grace and wisdom with how I approach my relationships, and be less reckless with my heart.

As far as my fitness journey, I am claiming it. My trainer has taught me well, and I have learned well. I would not have gotten this far without him, but I am on my own now. He led the way, but he did not carry me. I've worked very hard. I have been committed to following the plan. I have pushed myself to reach or exceed the goals he set for me in those workouts. My hands held those weights. My legs did those squats. My drive kept me going. He has been an excellent trainer and teacher to me, and I want to give him all the credit he is due, but this has not been his journey. It has been my journey, and it's still my journey now.

@jessicaenslowfit

So, here's the plan. I can't afford another trainer, for sure. So, from now on, I will be applying what I've learned and building on that.  I actually found another mom of 7 on Instagram who strength trains: @jessicaenslowfit . She's a little older than I am, and she's in great shape. A couple weeks ago, I asked my trainer how long it would take to reach her level of fitness, and he said 8-16 weeks. So, I'm shooting for 12. She recently shared a video about her fitness and nutrition plan. I'm going to start with that as a template for myself.

When I told the kids what had happened yesterday, their first thoughts were, "But who's gonna train us at the park now?! Hey mom, you can train us. You've learned a lot. You can make a good kids workout for us!"

And there it is. If they believe in me, I have to believe in me too.

I hurt badly for the situation my trainer has found himself in. I will pray for all involved, and I will be here ready to be a great friend if he ever wants my friendship again. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful family that needs me to live my life. They need me to be strong for them. They need me to be strong for me. I can do this. I have to do this.

Now, let's go.