Heartbreak and Resolve

Over the last 4 months, I have had the opportunity to work with an outstanding personal trainer. I have lost about 30 pounds, gained a lot of strength, and learned a lot about fitness nutrition. If you've read my blog, you know how much I appreciate all I've gained from my trainer, not to mention how my whole family has grown to love and respect him.

My last post was about switching gyms. I don't regret that decision. It's is a much better fit for our family. It has a nice play area for the kids, and it's significantly less expensive.

I am very sad to say that I no longer have my trainer.  He is going through some hard things with a previous employer, and no longer wishes to train me or Matt. For about a week, I have been so discouraged, feeling like scrapping it all and never setting foot in a gym again. I ate 5 brownies one day, 2 servings of ice cream another day, and quit recording my macros. My only motivation has been to crawl into a hole and hide for a while. Yesterday, I actually started getting physically ill under the stress of it all. Okay, yes, it might have also had something to do with my bad food choices lately, but still. I haven't just lost a trainer, I've lost a friend.

Yesterday, I posted this on my facebook account:

I love people. I am quickly defensive of my friends and loyal to a fault. My heart is on my sleeve, always open, and trusts too easily. Most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it hurts especially when there are situations completely out of my control. My heart is so broken right now. I can't fix this. Sorry for being so vague. I just hope those who know what's going on will see this.

Matt has been advising me not to give up on my goals and dreams, not to throw away all the work I've done.  Last night, something he said truly reached my heart. I asked him if he thought this situation should harden me a bit, and he said this (paraphrased): "I think you need to put more value in everything that you put in people. Not just your trust, but yourself, your friendship you give people. When you develop a relationship with someone, you begin to pour yourself into that person. The deeper that friendship goes the more you invest. You advocate for them. You fight for them. You love and support them. Sometimes you challenge them to help them grow. Do not give that away so quickly or easily. Make them actually earn it. It is a very valuable part of you for someone to have."

So, this morning, I feel new resolve. I am not going to stop loving people with an open heart. I am just going to stop expecting so much from them on a personal level so quickly. I'm going to try to apply more grace and wisdom with how I approach my relationships, and be less reckless with my heart.

As far as my fitness journey, I am claiming it. My trainer has taught me well, and I have learned well. I would not have gotten this far without him, but I am on my own now. He led the way, but he did not carry me. I've worked very hard. I have been committed to following the plan. I have pushed myself to reach or exceed the goals he set for me in those workouts. My hands held those weights. My legs did those squats. My drive kept me going. He has been an excellent trainer and teacher to me, and I want to give him all the credit he is due, but this has not been his journey. It has been my journey, and it's still my journey now.

@jessicaenslowfit

So, here's the plan. I can't afford another trainer, for sure. So, from now on, I will be applying what I've learned and building on that.  I actually found another mom of 7 on Instagram who strength trains: @jessicaenslowfit . She's a little older than I am, and she's in great shape. A couple weeks ago, I asked my trainer how long it would take to reach her level of fitness, and he said 8-16 weeks. So, I'm shooting for 12. She recently shared a video about her fitness and nutrition plan. I'm going to start with that as a template for myself.

When I told the kids what had happened yesterday, their first thoughts were, "But who's gonna train us at the park now?! Hey mom, you can train us. You've learned a lot. You can make a good kids workout for us!"

And there it is. If they believe in me, I have to believe in me too.

I hurt badly for the situation my trainer has found himself in. I will pray for all involved, and I will be here ready to be a great friend if he ever wants my friendship again. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful family that needs me to live my life. They need me to be strong for them. They need me to be strong for me. I can do this. I have to do this.

Now, let's go.