In Defense of The Messy Housewife

Luke 10:38-42  

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary,who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

For me, it's easy to be Mary. I see people. I see moments. I see memories. I see emotion and hurt feelings. When something is spilled or broken, my first thought and words out of my mouth are: "Is everyone okay?! Is anyone hurt?", not about the thing broken or the mess made. I see the truth in Ms Frizzle's quote, "Get messy! Make mistakes!"

My hero: Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus

The problem is that we housewives are not judged by how well adjusted our children are, how kind they are to other kids, or how they look out for each other. We are not judged by how well we have supported our husband's goals and dreams over the years. We are not judged by how much sleep we've lost to comfort and care for children, how we take the time to listen to their long accounts of their bad (or good) dreams, or how we breastfeed a baby through the whole night constantly sacrificing personal space. We are not judged by our smile, our hugs, or our patience.

No, I am judged by one thing more than anything else: the state of my house. If the house is clean and organized, laundry and dishes kept up, and meals planned; I am a success! If the house is a mess, I have dozens of loads of laundry to do, a sink overflowing with dishes, and I beg for takeout just so I don't have to add cooking to my list of things to do; I am a failure. My house is either my pride or my shame.

I want to speak out against this shaming. I want to stand up for myself, and hopefully help other messy housewives find the strength to stand up for themselves.

I am worth more than the state of my house. It's not fair to judge someone on their weaknesses. Why not see each other for our strengths? We "Marys" often feel extremely intimidated by "Marthas". Honestly, Marthas make me feel like a total screw up. I have so much respect for them and their beautiful welcoming homes. Often, they are very loving women that work hard to use their homes as a way to love others. Ugh!! I want to be like that so much!!! I feel like I should be able to be strong in all the Mary things and the Martha things too.


Is that realistic, though? I really don't think it is in this stage of my life, and "this stage of my life" has lasted over a dozen years now. One day, I won't have babies to hold and nurse or toddlers at my feet, but for the last 12 1/2 years, that has been my life constantly. Pregnant one year, infant the next, toddler and pregnant the next year, infant and toddler, pregnant and toddlers, on and on and on for 7 children. I am indeed a rich RICH woman, but all these growing little ones demand a lot of time and attention, and they make a lot of messes. I think it's reasonable to extend a little grace my way. 

Please, see my strengths when you see me, and understand that I want desperately to be better at keeping up with my housework. Maybe we need a new title. "Housewife" implies that our primary job is the house. Someone once told me that caring for the house was my calling and my ministry. No, friend. The house is just a part of it. My "ministry" is contained in the hearts and spirits of my husband and children. Yes, caring for them includes housework. I just don't want to be judged solely on how I stink at housekeeping. I am much more than that.

When Matt fell in love with me, he saw my people skills. He saw my love and care I have for people. Please don't reduce my worth to a messy house or even occasionally a clean one. There was a time when I would've accepted that shame and let it break me down, but I am seeing the fruit of my strengths as a wife and mom now. I have supported my husband through finishing his college degree, many job changes, a major career change, nursing school, and continuing his education to this day. Our children are kind and smart and strong, and we have developed a good open line of communication.

Don't look at me and see a messy house. I am in the business of heartkeeping more than housekeeping. I will get better at the housekeeping part, and I truly need to get better at it. However, judge me by my strengths, and I'll judge you by yours. 

Love and peace to you all. I'll sign off with a picture of Selah in the sock basket.

Joy on a Crazy Monday Morning (Mom, you're gonna love this one)

Right now, Selah is in her pack n play right next to me screaming. I just nursed her and changed her. She just wants me, and that's okay, but sometimes Mommy needs a break!  ---Just as I was writing that, Silas came in, put a little drum and little drumstick in the pack n play for Selah, and she's happy now. Praise Jesus for thoughtful siblings!!

I wanted to write this morning because my heart has been just overflowing with joy and gratitude and love.  I've been very stressed about getting our house refinanced because it means a guy has to come do a walk through. I just wanted the house to look it's best. Well, it's not going to look how I want it to look, and I will be hiding the dirty laundry in black trash bags in the shed...

Okay, but listen. Even though the house is messy, dishes are mounting high in the sink, and we are in the middle of repainting the dining room, we had Matt's brothers over last night for poker night.  It was so fun! Instead of letting the messy house control our plans, we chose to enjoy our brothers. We needed that time catching up, laughing, and just being together. It had been way too long. That sink full of dishes didn't even matter.

This morning, I wanted to get up early, take a very needed shower, and finally get some clean clothes on myself.  Instead, Matt and I overslept, the milk was almost gone, Isaiah missed his bus, and we couldn't find Matt's coffee cup... just to name a few mishaps!

Normally, I would've been a total wreck, in tears, probably shouting, and everyone would be miserable, but not this morning. When we overslept, Matt came over and just held me. He told me how he loved me so much and snuggled his face in my cheek. For some reason, my spirit remained joyful as we ushered our kids through getting ready for school. I got the coffee made, helped them find their shoes, and made time to sit with Matt and tell him how I wish he knew how much I loved him and how I wished time would just stop so I could just stare at his face and hold him all day. Even though he had to get to work, he got Eli's prophy treatment done.

We were running too late for the kids to walk to school. Isaiah missed his bus. Ana was a little grumpy because Daisy had kept her up last night. However, we just laughed about it. Happy Monday, Reeves family!!

I believe God was showing me something. He was showing me all the joy I miss when I let my circumstances control me. I would've missed out on that fun time with Matt's brothers last night. I would've missed out on Matt's affection this morning. I would've missed those little smiles; in fact, I would've snuffed them out. I would've missed seeing the principal give my Ana a look to match her grumpy face and make her smile on her way into school. I would've missed Daisy dancing to the music on the radio. I would've missed teasing Isaiah about our being his bus today and enjoying that extra time with him on the 15 minute ride to his school. I would've missed that sassy preteen look he gives me, and feeling that tug in my heart as I watched him walk into the school and down the hall. Yes, I sat there and watched him! Don't judge me! ;)

There is much freedom in this lesson. I am not a prisoner to my circumstances. I can be happy when life is a mess. I can be free! I have been living in an unlocked prison cell; but wow, it sure feels locked when my postpartum depression kicks in.

In the process of writing this, Selah has had more episodes of crankiness, I have picked her up and nursed her 2 or 3 times. Daisy and Silas just got in a fight over applesauce. I confess, I did yell, but when I'm nursing the baby in the next room, it's not easy to get over to them and physically break up the fight. Oh well. Onward in this joy journey on this crazy Monday! Circumstances do not control me. I can choose joy. Yes, Mom. I said it. You've waited 36 years for this. ;) I hope this encourages someone else to courageously choose joy in the midst of chaos today.

. . .Now, about that shower. . .

I Am Absolutely Loving Dance!

Last night, I joined a jazz dance class! Last year, I did belly dance, and I loved it! Since we have 5 children taking dance classes this year, we are up to the unlimited class level. So, I thought I'd add a class for myself. I mean, why not, right?! I am so glad I did! I only started dancing last year as a 35 year old woman. I had no idea how much it would mean to me. Dancing is such a beautiful art expression. It's fun, a great stress reliever, and dancing with a group of women creates a sisterhood that I really need in my life. Not to mention how it provides the regular time out of the house that I desperately need for myself!

For the last month, I have been trying to pick myself up, brush myself off, and get going in my fitness again. It has been hard to be motivated, but I have to be gracious to myself and recognize that I needed some time to grieve the loss of a friend and the loss of the gym and weight training (at least for now).  I started The 21 Day Fix, but I let myself keep missing days. I started The Whole30, but after daily gorging myself on nuts and fruit, I quit. I need to decide what I'm doing and stick to it! Being self motivated is not easy!

Last night, my jazz class was just the thing I needed. We spent a lot of time stretching, and then tried some new (to me) dance steps. It was great. I feel like God is giving me the gift of dance, and I am so thankful. Belly dance starts next Tuesday!!

As far as the kids: Daisy and Silas are in a combo ballet tap class. It's adorable, and they are loving it. Malakai, Eli, and Ana are all doing acro, and Ana is doing ballet of course. I am so thankful for our dance studio, the teachers, the other dancers, and the other dance families. Dance is a wonderful part of God's creation. I'm loving this part of myself I never discovered before! Here's to another wonderful dance year!

I am going to get going on the 21 Day Fix again, and stick with it this time. I gotta keep myself in shape for my dance classes!

*All the pictures in this post are from our dance classes last year taken by Cheryl Keeran. (Daisy jumped in with Ana for one of her ballet pics <3 )

Weekend

This weekend did not go as I expected, but hey, that's normal, right? Saturday, I was dressed and ready to go do my workout when my friend's son texted and said he was on his way to do some yard work for us. He did an amazing job!! It is such a relief to have things cleaned up out there! He worked for about 6 hours, and by the evening, I needed to get my little people fed, bathed, and to bed. That workout didn't happen!

Sunday, my oldest was down sick all day. We didn't make it to church. . . again. I had to go shopping. We were out of coffee at home. So, I bought a $0.50 coffee at the Meijer bakery. The only thing they had were those little creamers. So, I cheated on Whole30, and put 2 creamers in my coffee. It was gross, but it helped clear my head!

We stopped by Mad Goat on the way home. I got a cold brew coffee for me, a hot coffee (with heavy whipping cream) for Matt, and 2 bags of coffee beans for home. We dropped off Matt's coffee at the hospital, and we went home. The boys were in charge of bringing the groceries in from the van. Well, 1 of the 3 gallons of milk made it in whole. . .

I caved and put heavy whipping cream in my coffee. Then, I added stuff and put it in the blender to make it a smoothie. It was good, but another cheat because no dairy is allowed on Whole30.

The kids and I worked on picking up the house all day, and I made dinner. No workout again.

I could sit here and beat myself up over my failures this weekend, but I'm not going to do that. We moms are our own punching bags too often. Instead, I'm going to list all the things that went right this weekend:

• Our yard got some MUCH needed attention.
• I didn't yell at my kids (scolded, yes; but no yelling).
• Snuggles and book reading with my little ones
• Precious time spent caring for my oldest
• The house still needs a lot of work (laundry is my enemy), but it's much more picked up now!
• We got an invisible fence for Eleanor, and she's responding to it beautifully!
• We are eating healthier.
• The kids and I were able to really bless Matt with that middle-of-the-day coffee yesterday. :)

Some of my time this weekend has been well spent reading STILL {when all else fades away} by Tiffany Nardoni. This book is my friend's heart printed on paper. You cannot read her story and not change. This has everything to do with my perspective on this weekend. Tiffany has been to the worst place any parent can imagine, and she'll be the first to tell you that things are just things. Plans fail. The only things of true value are God's love, our trust and faith in him, moments spent loving our family and friends, and learning to hold what (and who) we love with an open hand. How could I be down in the dumps over laundry, a couple cheats on Whole30, and missed workouts after that? No, I can't. Reading her story opens my eyes to the importance of: reading that storybook with my little one, snuggling with my babies on the porch swing, a soft answer to wild children, smiling and enjoying their silliness, and seeing how my 12 year old still covets and treasures my attention when he's feeling sick. These little things are actually the big things. Tiffany, if you're reading this, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am only on chapter 6, and it is already helping me be a better wife and mom. I am blessed to call you my friend. Love you!

So, today, I am going to care for these precious people who call me Mom, feed them, get done what I can, and remember that today is a gift. If we don't get a tomorrow, what will I wish I would've done today? 

Love and hugs from this mama to you. Have a happy Labor Day!

Day 3. Everything is going to be okay.

Over the last couple weeks (or has it been 3 weeks now?), I have been so down because I have felt very robbed of a friendship and a part of my life that brought me a lot of joy. For some reason, I feel like I have things in a better perspective today, and I just thank my God for that.

I miss the gym. I do. Going to the gym forced me and my support network to make time for me to focus on ME. I had scheduled sessions. I had goals. My husband, my mother in law, and my kids all supported me. It was amazing. I had so much positivity all around me. No wonder it wasn't a struggle to stick with it. It wasn't just the personal physical "gains", it was all the praise. Huge lesson here: Do not let yourself be motivated by the praise of others. Doing that is just building your house on sand, and houses built on sand will not stand up to the storms that will come.

Here are some awesome truths about my oxygen mask I learned in my 4 short months at the gym:

First, I really need to prioritize making time for myself without the kids away from the house once or twice a week.  Regularly making time for myself without the kids was truly life changing. Just because I am not going to the gym right now doesn't mean that has to stop. 

Second, my nutrition affects my whole family. Let me repeat that: MY nutrition affects my whole family. If I eat well, I am a much better wife and mom. If I eat garbage or don't eat, I am a total mess. It is not loving self sacrifice. It is self neglect, and it inhibits my ability to serve my family well. 

Third, it is vital to treat myself with love and respect if I am going to grow in any way. When I got so down, I immediately started neglecting and abusing myself. I think a lot of us do that. Why is that? It must be because we lost sight of loving and respecting ourselves along the way.

Fourth, don't let fear motivate you. Just don't. Let yourself be stretched. You will be better for it.

Lastly, I want to reiterate the big lesson I mentioned above: Do not let yourself be motivated by the praise of others. Be encouraged, yes, but do not let that praise become your motivation to reach your goals or follow your dreams. Your goals are YOURS. Your dreams are YOURS. Don't let anyone steal that from you. 

Good good thoughts on my heart today. Praising my Jesus for shining His light of truth in my heart.

Today was my day 3 in The 21 Day Fix: Lower Fix. It's a good workout! It was more challenging today because my little Selah was at my feet, but Matt was there to help. So, that was good!!  I can stick with this for 21 days. I got this. :)

This was also our second day on Whole30. It's already feeling so good to eat healthy! The biggest thing for me so far has been my coffee. Yesterday, I had unsweetened vanilla almond milk in it. Today, I tried coconut oil. I did not expect to like it, but it was surprisingly okay! Better than the almond milk, for sure.

Stew: ground beef, sweet potatoes, spinach,
 onion, salsa, and seasonings.

That's it for today! I hope something here encouraged you. I don't know who you are, but I know the God who made you to be your unique self. It is honoring to Him to treat ourselves with love and respect. Take care of yourself today, okay? I'm rooting for you!

Day 2

Today's workout was SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday's!!!! Number one, Matt is off today. That makes everything better. :) Also, we started The Whole 30 this morning! So, I've eaten healthy food all day as opposed to the garbage I've been eating these last couple weeks. First day, and I already feel better!

So, since my workout was such a joke yesterday, I decided to double up today. I did Cardio Fix again. Then, I went right into Upper Fix. It's a good workout, and I was actually able to participate because my sweet little Selah was taking her nap. ;)

I'm breaking the rules a little because I'm doing Whole 30 instead of the 21 Day Fix nutrition plan for now, but that's okay. ;)

Lastly, I give myself major props for having unsweetened vanilla almond milk in my coffee this morning. It's okay. I can do it.

Have an awesome day, friends!

Breakfast! Eggs, yellow peppers, spinach, and salsa
Smoothie: strawberries, blueberries, banana, ice water