Decluttering My Soul and Getting Real

I am tired of all the distractions. A lot of my friends are great at decluttering their homes and becoming minimalists. I want that too. We have way too much stuff, and it steals our joy and dominates our time. Recently though, I have been focused on the much deeper issue of decluttering my soul.

There are so many distractions that rob me of a deep relationship with God, and I am sick of it. Really. It's starting to tick me off. I am so distracted with what people expect of me, and whether or not something I do will "offend" them. I have been discouraged to the point of paralyzation in my relationship with God.

I am 36 years old, and I want to live my life!! Who did God make me to be? What are my strengths? Who am I beyond "Mom"? What did God have in mind when he made me? I want to fearlessly pursue the answers to these questions. I want to let go of the distractions. I want to be more real than I've ever been.

What does this mean practically? It means that I will stop shackling my life to man's law, and enjoy my liberty in Jesus. This will upset some people. I'm going to start living authentically and stop playing the game of pleasing others. I want to please Jesus. I don't need to please you. If I am pleasing Jesus, but still disappointing you, then you need to reassess your standards because yours shouldn't be higher than His.

I'm not a theologian. I just want to let go of the extra-Biblical standards that have been holding me back and discouraging me from closeness with Jesus on a daily basis.

Because it's not about listening to super conservative music or staying away from movie theaters or not getting a piercing. It's not about abstaining from alcohol or dancing. It's not about how long my skirt is or if my swimsuit is 1 piece or not. It's not about having tattoo free skin. It's not even about having as many children as my womb can carry.

Although it's not wrong to hold to these standards, if they become more important than what God wants me to do, they become idols, and I become a Pharisee.

It's about being a source of love to a world that is broken and hurting. It's about being Jesus's hands and feet. It's about finding strength in Jesus Christ to reject fear and embrace love. It's about trusting Him, taking risks and rocking the boat. It is about seeing people as souls, not opportunities for judgment.

I want to be free. I WANT TO LIVE! Jesus says He is the way, the truth and the LIFE. I want to have what I've seen in others. I want my children to grow up knowing what is truly important, and not be overwhelmed with the standards that man tries to burden them with.

This post will certainly be frowned upon by some, even a disappointment to others, but I feel like it is necessary if I am going to grow.

With all the pain and violence in the world, I pray that my life would be a source of love and healing. That's all. I want God to use me to reach others with His love. I want my life to give others hope that there is a God that loves them and that can rescue them from the evil in this world. 

ENOUGH.

An example of my nutrition level lately

Last Friday, I rejoined my original gym. My family and I weren't the only ones to be hurt. The whole situation is sad and upsetting, but it's time to get over it and move forward. I told my kids that we need to be kind, be ready to forgive, and still have healthy boundaries with people who have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. There is no reason to carry any guilt or fear. I did nothing wrong. In fact, I did a lot of things right, and I know I was a good friend.

I can't let anyone manipulate me into feeling guilt when I am not guilty. I cannot let myself succumb to fear. I cannot let someone control my goals, my drive, or my plans for myself or my family like this. It has to stop.

So, I say, ENOUGH.

I got 35 minutes of cardio in yesterday. I have my belly dance class tonight. I will just start with being active everyday. I need to get back to eating healthier too. I've been inactive and unhealthy for more than 2 months now. It's time to get back on it.

Not a long post today, but an important one.

Get up, Mama.It's time to get that oxygen mask back on!

In Defense of The Messy Housewife

Luke 10:38-42  

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary,who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

For me, it's easy to be Mary. I see people. I see moments. I see memories. I see emotion and hurt feelings. When something is spilled or broken, my first thought and words out of my mouth are: "Is everyone okay?! Is anyone hurt?", not about the thing broken or the mess made. I see the truth in Ms Frizzle's quote, "Get messy! Make mistakes!"

My hero: Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus

The problem is that we housewives are not judged by how well adjusted our children are, how kind they are to other kids, or how they look out for each other. We are not judged by how well we have supported our husband's goals and dreams over the years. We are not judged by how much sleep we've lost to comfort and care for children, how we take the time to listen to their long accounts of their bad (or good) dreams, or how we breastfeed a baby through the whole night constantly sacrificing personal space. We are not judged by our smile, our hugs, or our patience.

No, I am judged by one thing more than anything else: the state of my house. If the house is clean and organized, laundry and dishes kept up, and meals planned; I am a success! If the house is a mess, I have dozens of loads of laundry to do, a sink overflowing with dishes, and I beg for takeout just so I don't have to add cooking to my list of things to do; I am a failure. My house is either my pride or my shame.

I want to speak out against this shaming. I want to stand up for myself, and hopefully help other messy housewives find the strength to stand up for themselves.

I am worth more than the state of my house. It's not fair to judge someone on their weaknesses. Why not see each other for our strengths? We "Marys" often feel extremely intimidated by "Marthas". Honestly, Marthas make me feel like a total screw up. I have so much respect for them and their beautiful welcoming homes. Often, they are very loving women that work hard to use their homes as a way to love others. Ugh!! I want to be like that so much!!! I feel like I should be able to be strong in all the Mary things and the Martha things too.


Is that realistic, though? I really don't think it is in this stage of my life, and "this stage of my life" has lasted over a dozen years now. One day, I won't have babies to hold and nurse or toddlers at my feet, but for the last 12 1/2 years, that has been my life constantly. Pregnant one year, infant the next, toddler and pregnant the next year, infant and toddler, pregnant and toddlers, on and on and on for 7 children. I am indeed a rich RICH woman, but all these growing little ones demand a lot of time and attention, and they make a lot of messes. I think it's reasonable to extend a little grace my way. 

Please, see my strengths when you see me, and understand that I want desperately to be better at keeping up with my housework. Maybe we need a new title. "Housewife" implies that our primary job is the house. Someone once told me that caring for the house was my calling and my ministry. No, friend. The house is just a part of it. My "ministry" is contained in the hearts and spirits of my husband and children. Yes, caring for them includes housework. I just don't want to be judged solely on how I stink at housekeeping. I am much more than that.

When Matt fell in love with me, he saw my people skills. He saw my love and care I have for people. Please don't reduce my worth to a messy house or even occasionally a clean one. There was a time when I would've accepted that shame and let it break me down, but I am seeing the fruit of my strengths as a wife and mom now. I have supported my husband through finishing his college degree, many job changes, a major career change, nursing school, and continuing his education to this day. Our children are kind and smart and strong, and we have developed a good open line of communication.

Don't look at me and see a messy house. I am in the business of heartkeeping more than housekeeping. I will get better at the housekeeping part, and I truly need to get better at it. However, judge me by my strengths, and I'll judge you by yours. 

Love and peace to you all. I'll sign off with a picture of Selah in the sock basket.

Joy on a Crazy Monday Morning (Mom, you're gonna love this one)

Right now, Selah is in her pack n play right next to me screaming. I just nursed her and changed her. She just wants me, and that's okay, but sometimes Mommy needs a break!  ---Just as I was writing that, Silas came in, put a little drum and little drumstick in the pack n play for Selah, and she's happy now. Praise Jesus for thoughtful siblings!!

I wanted to write this morning because my heart has been just overflowing with joy and gratitude and love.  I've been very stressed about getting our house refinanced because it means a guy has to come do a walk through. I just wanted the house to look it's best. Well, it's not going to look how I want it to look, and I will be hiding the dirty laundry in black trash bags in the shed...

Okay, but listen. Even though the house is messy, dishes are mounting high in the sink, and we are in the middle of repainting the dining room, we had Matt's brothers over last night for poker night.  It was so fun! Instead of letting the messy house control our plans, we chose to enjoy our brothers. We needed that time catching up, laughing, and just being together. It had been way too long. That sink full of dishes didn't even matter.

This morning, I wanted to get up early, take a very needed shower, and finally get some clean clothes on myself.  Instead, Matt and I overslept, the milk was almost gone, Isaiah missed his bus, and we couldn't find Matt's coffee cup... just to name a few mishaps!

Normally, I would've been a total wreck, in tears, probably shouting, and everyone would be miserable, but not this morning. When we overslept, Matt came over and just held me. He told me how he loved me so much and snuggled his face in my cheek. For some reason, my spirit remained joyful as we ushered our kids through getting ready for school. I got the coffee made, helped them find their shoes, and made time to sit with Matt and tell him how I wish he knew how much I loved him and how I wished time would just stop so I could just stare at his face and hold him all day. Even though he had to get to work, he got Eli's prophy treatment done.

We were running too late for the kids to walk to school. Isaiah missed his bus. Ana was a little grumpy because Daisy had kept her up last night. However, we just laughed about it. Happy Monday, Reeves family!!

I believe God was showing me something. He was showing me all the joy I miss when I let my circumstances control me. I would've missed out on that fun time with Matt's brothers last night. I would've missed out on Matt's affection this morning. I would've missed those little smiles; in fact, I would've snuffed them out. I would've missed seeing the principal give my Ana a look to match her grumpy face and make her smile on her way into school. I would've missed Daisy dancing to the music on the radio. I would've missed teasing Isaiah about our being his bus today and enjoying that extra time with him on the 15 minute ride to his school. I would've missed that sassy preteen look he gives me, and feeling that tug in my heart as I watched him walk into the school and down the hall. Yes, I sat there and watched him! Don't judge me! ;)

There is much freedom in this lesson. I am not a prisoner to my circumstances. I can be happy when life is a mess. I can be free! I have been living in an unlocked prison cell; but wow, it sure feels locked when my postpartum depression kicks in.

In the process of writing this, Selah has had more episodes of crankiness, I have picked her up and nursed her 2 or 3 times. Daisy and Silas just got in a fight over applesauce. I confess, I did yell, but when I'm nursing the baby in the next room, it's not easy to get over to them and physically break up the fight. Oh well. Onward in this joy journey on this crazy Monday! Circumstances do not control me. I can choose joy. Yes, Mom. I said it. You've waited 36 years for this. ;) I hope this encourages someone else to courageously choose joy in the midst of chaos today.

. . .Now, about that shower. . .

I Am Absolutely Loving Dance!

Last night, I joined a jazz dance class! Last year, I did belly dance, and I loved it! Since we have 5 children taking dance classes this year, we are up to the unlimited class level. So, I thought I'd add a class for myself. I mean, why not, right?! I am so glad I did! I only started dancing last year as a 35 year old woman. I had no idea how much it would mean to me. Dancing is such a beautiful art expression. It's fun, a great stress reliever, and dancing with a group of women creates a sisterhood that I really need in my life. Not to mention how it provides the regular time out of the house that I desperately need for myself!

For the last month, I have been trying to pick myself up, brush myself off, and get going in my fitness again. It has been hard to be motivated, but I have to be gracious to myself and recognize that I needed some time to grieve the loss of a friend and the loss of the gym and weight training (at least for now).  I started The 21 Day Fix, but I let myself keep missing days. I started The Whole30, but after daily gorging myself on nuts and fruit, I quit. I need to decide what I'm doing and stick to it! Being self motivated is not easy!

Last night, my jazz class was just the thing I needed. We spent a lot of time stretching, and then tried some new (to me) dance steps. It was great. I feel like God is giving me the gift of dance, and I am so thankful. Belly dance starts next Tuesday!!

As far as the kids: Daisy and Silas are in a combo ballet tap class. It's adorable, and they are loving it. Malakai, Eli, and Ana are all doing acro, and Ana is doing ballet of course. I am so thankful for our dance studio, the teachers, the other dancers, and the other dance families. Dance is a wonderful part of God's creation. I'm loving this part of myself I never discovered before! Here's to another wonderful dance year!

I am going to get going on the 21 Day Fix again, and stick with it this time. I gotta keep myself in shape for my dance classes!

*All the pictures in this post are from our dance classes last year taken by Cheryl Keeran. (Daisy jumped in with Ana for one of her ballet pics <3 )

Weekend

This weekend did not go as I expected, but hey, that's normal, right? Saturday, I was dressed and ready to go do my workout when my friend's son texted and said he was on his way to do some yard work for us. He did an amazing job!! It is such a relief to have things cleaned up out there! He worked for about 6 hours, and by the evening, I needed to get my little people fed, bathed, and to bed. That workout didn't happen!

Sunday, my oldest was down sick all day. We didn't make it to church. . . again. I had to go shopping. We were out of coffee at home. So, I bought a $0.50 coffee at the Meijer bakery. The only thing they had were those little creamers. So, I cheated on Whole30, and put 2 creamers in my coffee. It was gross, but it helped clear my head!

We stopped by Mad Goat on the way home. I got a cold brew coffee for me, a hot coffee (with heavy whipping cream) for Matt, and 2 bags of coffee beans for home. We dropped off Matt's coffee at the hospital, and we went home. The boys were in charge of bringing the groceries in from the van. Well, 1 of the 3 gallons of milk made it in whole. . .

I caved and put heavy whipping cream in my coffee. Then, I added stuff and put it in the blender to make it a smoothie. It was good, but another cheat because no dairy is allowed on Whole30.

The kids and I worked on picking up the house all day, and I made dinner. No workout again.

I could sit here and beat myself up over my failures this weekend, but I'm not going to do that. We moms are our own punching bags too often. Instead, I'm going to list all the things that went right this weekend:

• Our yard got some MUCH needed attention.
• I didn't yell at my kids (scolded, yes; but no yelling).
• Snuggles and book reading with my little ones
• Precious time spent caring for my oldest
• The house still needs a lot of work (laundry is my enemy), but it's much more picked up now!
• We got an invisible fence for Eleanor, and she's responding to it beautifully!
• We are eating healthier.
• The kids and I were able to really bless Matt with that middle-of-the-day coffee yesterday. :)

Some of my time this weekend has been well spent reading STILL {when all else fades away} by Tiffany Nardoni. This book is my friend's heart printed on paper. You cannot read her story and not change. This has everything to do with my perspective on this weekend. Tiffany has been to the worst place any parent can imagine, and she'll be the first to tell you that things are just things. Plans fail. The only things of true value are God's love, our trust and faith in him, moments spent loving our family and friends, and learning to hold what (and who) we love with an open hand. How could I be down in the dumps over laundry, a couple cheats on Whole30, and missed workouts after that? No, I can't. Reading her story opens my eyes to the importance of: reading that storybook with my little one, snuggling with my babies on the porch swing, a soft answer to wild children, smiling and enjoying their silliness, and seeing how my 12 year old still covets and treasures my attention when he's feeling sick. These little things are actually the big things. Tiffany, if you're reading this, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am only on chapter 6, and it is already helping me be a better wife and mom. I am blessed to call you my friend. Love you!

So, today, I am going to care for these precious people who call me Mom, feed them, get done what I can, and remember that today is a gift. If we don't get a tomorrow, what will I wish I would've done today? 

Love and hugs from this mama to you. Have a happy Labor Day!

Day 3. Everything is going to be okay.

Over the last couple weeks (or has it been 3 weeks now?), I have been so down because I have felt very robbed of a friendship and a part of my life that brought me a lot of joy. For some reason, I feel like I have things in a better perspective today, and I just thank my God for that.

I miss the gym. I do. Going to the gym forced me and my support network to make time for me to focus on ME. I had scheduled sessions. I had goals. My husband, my mother in law, and my kids all supported me. It was amazing. I had so much positivity all around me. No wonder it wasn't a struggle to stick with it. It wasn't just the personal physical "gains", it was all the praise. Huge lesson here: Do not let yourself be motivated by the praise of others. Doing that is just building your house on sand, and houses built on sand will not stand up to the storms that will come.

Here are some awesome truths about my oxygen mask I learned in my 4 short months at the gym:

First, I really need to prioritize making time for myself without the kids away from the house once or twice a week.  Regularly making time for myself without the kids was truly life changing. Just because I am not going to the gym right now doesn't mean that has to stop. 

Second, my nutrition affects my whole family. Let me repeat that: MY nutrition affects my whole family. If I eat well, I am a much better wife and mom. If I eat garbage or don't eat, I am a total mess. It is not loving self sacrifice. It is self neglect, and it inhibits my ability to serve my family well. 

Third, it is vital to treat myself with love and respect if I am going to grow in any way. When I got so down, I immediately started neglecting and abusing myself. I think a lot of us do that. Why is that? It must be because we lost sight of loving and respecting ourselves along the way.

Fourth, don't let fear motivate you. Just don't. Let yourself be stretched. You will be better for it.

Lastly, I want to reiterate the big lesson I mentioned above: Do not let yourself be motivated by the praise of others. Be encouraged, yes, but do not let that praise become your motivation to reach your goals or follow your dreams. Your goals are YOURS. Your dreams are YOURS. Don't let anyone steal that from you. 

Good good thoughts on my heart today. Praising my Jesus for shining His light of truth in my heart.

Today was my day 3 in The 21 Day Fix: Lower Fix. It's a good workout! It was more challenging today because my little Selah was at my feet, but Matt was there to help. So, that was good!!  I can stick with this for 21 days. I got this. :)

This was also our second day on Whole30. It's already feeling so good to eat healthy! The biggest thing for me so far has been my coffee. Yesterday, I had unsweetened vanilla almond milk in it. Today, I tried coconut oil. I did not expect to like it, but it was surprisingly okay! Better than the almond milk, for sure.

Stew: ground beef, sweet potatoes, spinach,
 onion, salsa, and seasonings.

That's it for today! I hope something here encouraged you. I don't know who you are, but I know the God who made you to be your unique self. It is honoring to Him to treat ourselves with love and respect. Take care of yourself today, okay? I'm rooting for you!

Day 2

Today's workout was SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday's!!!! Number one, Matt is off today. That makes everything better. :) Also, we started The Whole 30 this morning! So, I've eaten healthy food all day as opposed to the garbage I've been eating these last couple weeks. First day, and I already feel better!

So, since my workout was such a joke yesterday, I decided to double up today. I did Cardio Fix again. Then, I went right into Upper Fix. It's a good workout, and I was actually able to participate because my sweet little Selah was taking her nap. ;)

I'm breaking the rules a little because I'm doing Whole 30 instead of the 21 Day Fix nutrition plan for now, but that's okay. ;)

Lastly, I give myself major props for having unsweetened vanilla almond milk in my coffee this morning. It's okay. I can do it.

Have an awesome day, friends!

Breakfast! Eggs, yellow peppers, spinach, and salsa
Smoothie: strawberries, blueberries, banana, ice water

Day 1

I just did the first day of The 21 Day Fix: Cardio Fix. It's okay. It's a workout video. To be honest, it was hard going back to that: keeping up with a video, being interrupted by my kids around me and under my feet, deciding whether to rewind or just miss those moves, workouts designed for the masses and not me personally... Yeah, I definitely have a transition ahead of me, but it'll get better. I'm doing this because I just don't know what else to do right now, and people I respect recommend the program.

Matt and I are starting The Whole 30 tomorrow. I'm pretty confident that will make a big difference in how I feel.

No deep or inspiring thoughts today. Just a quick journal entry about day 1. I'm confident that future reports will get more and more positive. It's just one of those days, that's all. :)

I found this meme today. I thought it was an encouraging reminder:

Also, this:

Thank you for reading my little blog. I hope it is a source of encouragement. I know it has been a bit of a downer lately, but that will change soon. I'm sure. :)

Quityerbellyachin

Dad's birthday 2014

When your dad dies, you can't pick up the phone and talk to him about what's going on in your life. So, you have to remember what he's always taught you, and apply it. No doubt, this is the very best way to honor your dad's memory.

Recently, I was fooled into thinking someone was a good friend. The truth revealed something very different, and that hurt a lot. If I could talk to my dad about this, he would tell me to see this person for who they have been shown to be and move on with my life.  Even though Dad isn't here to defend me, he is part of me. I have that same fire in my spirit.

Here's what I know he would want me to remember. The God of the whole universe loves me! The universe is infinitely bigger than this situation. He would talk about how tiny the earth is in comparison to the rest of the universe. He used this to help put things in perspective. He would talk about how amazing it is that the God who created this vast universe became one of us to save us because He loves us. He was in awe and often brought to tears over God's love for him.

I was so blessed to have an earthly father who loved me. I am married to a wonderful man who shows me true selfless love everyday. Not to mention the rest of my family and friends who have proven themselves to be true. I don't need to waste another day feeling down about someone that was never truly my friend in the first place. Yes, it is very sad, but I have so much more in my life that needs my attention and so much to be happy about:

-My 21 Day Fix came in the mail yesterday! I admit, I am not super excited to get into workout videos again, but I am happy to have a fresh start, and I am happy to join an encouraging fitness community. Also, I'm going to do The Whole 30 Diet for the month of September with a friend of mine. I've never done it, but I've heard it is an amazing nutritional reset. I got lots of healthy food at the store today, and I'm really excited about it... except for the part where I have to drink my coffee black...

-Another huge thing is that I have my amazing friend's new book about her journey through the tragic loss of her little boy. I cannot wait to read her story and write my heart out about what I learn through her.

-Our children have had a wonderful beginning to the new school year! They've been early everyday which is just incredible. They are working hard, and I am so proud of all of them!

-The last major thing is that we have the opportunity to refinance our home to lower our house payment. So, I have a lot of work to do to get ready for the appraiser who's coming next week!! I'm really scared...

Lots of things going on. Lots of people. Lots of energy happening all around me. So much good. So much work to do. So many blessings.

Thank you for all the good advice, Dad. I appreciate it now more than ever.

Today would've been my dad's 77th birthday. I want to honor him by turning the page on this recent drama, and using the stubbornness I got from him to start the next exciting chapter of my oxygen mask. In dad's words:

Sar, Quit Yer Bellyachin!!

Yes, Dad. You are right...

Mommy's Day Off

Last night, Matt told me he wanted me to take the whole day off today. He stayed home with all 7 children and worked on the house. We did meet up this afternoon to attend a friend's birthday party together. I stayed out all day shopping, relaxing; and best of all, I got to go to my friend's book launch at our local coffee shop and visit with sweet friends there.

My Sexy Babywearing Hero

Today, God showed me that I am not alone, and I have some really great friends that genuinely care about me. I'm getting more and more excited about starting the 21 Day Fix. I also decided to start the Whole 30 on September 1st with a friend of mine. I'm trying to say yes to opportunities to plug into groups of good friends who want to challenge each other to reach common goals of health and fitness. 

When I came home tonight, I was refreshed and happy. I needed this day off badly. I am so encouraged. I truly feel like I can turn the page from all the fitness related negativity I've experienced recently, and jump into the next phase with enthusiastic abandon!

I am so so thankful for today.

I am so thankful for my husband.

I am so thankful for my God who has shown his lovingkindness to me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13)

I've got this because He's got me. 

Sticks and Stones

It has been about 2 weeks since I worked out or paid much attention to my nutrition. It has been a heavy couple of weeks. Last Friday after some kind strong words of wisdom from my husband, I was encouraged and inspired to get back on my game, but things really fell apart for me quickly. I didn't realize that I was letting myself be completely driven by the approval and praise of one individual. Although it has been very painful, it is good that that weakness has been revealed in me. I made this picture a few days ago to illustrate how I've been feeling lately:

Nobody should have that much power over me. All those thoughts oppressing me are from Satan. I've worked too hard to give it all up now. I don't feel comfortable going to any gym right now. I need to do something different. So, I am going to give Beachbody workout videos a try. I'm mainly doing it because of the great community and support network that comes with it. My friend is a coach. She is in incredible shape, and I really look up to her as a Christian woman and mom. I'm going to join her team for a while. I'm trying to be optimistic. I just need time to adjust and re acclimate. I still don't have the motivation and drive I need to succeed, but I'm in a growing process right now. I look forward to my spirit getting stronger even more than I look forward to my body getting toned and strong.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." is a total lie. Words can be life-giving or cancer-spreading to your spirit. They can drive you to succeed or devastate you. I cannot express how thankful I am for my husband. His gentle loving words of truth are an anchor for me while I am in this storm. 

Jesus, Don't Let Me Be a Weak Woman with Strong Muscles.

Strength training is pretty great. It's amazing to start lifting heavier weights, and feel yourself getting stronger. What's on my mind tonight isn't about dumbbells or barbells or kettlebells. No, I could increase my physical strength all I want, but if I don't increase my inner strength, what's the use? If I reach or exceed my fitness goals, but I can't control my tongue or my temper, I am not truly a strong woman. If I can lift heavy weights, but treat my family and friends like garbage when I am under pressure, I am nothing but a weak woman with strong muscles.

Lately, my fitness life has been a wreck. In a way it's good because it is forcing me to see things in the light of truth, and my perspective is getting clearer. I am seeing that my fitness "house" has been built on the sand. So, when the storms came, the house went "SPLAT" as the song goes. So, where's the rock I can rebuild on? Where is my sure and solid foundation?

I am a Christian. I choose to put my faith in Jesus Christ. So, I did a quick search for Bible verses about strength. Here are some I found:

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be faint.

Psalm 119:28

My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word.

Ephesians 6:10

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Father, thank you for putting some things in my life lately that have shown great weakness in me. Thank you for revealing those weaknesses so you can make them strengths. You are so good to me. Please use me for good. Please use me to love people with the love of Jesus. Thank you that I can trust that you will increase my strength. Help me to be a strong woman inside and out. 

Heartbreak and Resolve

Over the last 4 months, I have had the opportunity to work with an outstanding personal trainer. I have lost about 30 pounds, gained a lot of strength, and learned a lot about fitness nutrition. If you've read my blog, you know how much I appreciate all I've gained from my trainer, not to mention how my whole family has grown to love and respect him.

My last post was about switching gyms. I don't regret that decision. It's is a much better fit for our family. It has a nice play area for the kids, and it's significantly less expensive.

I am very sad to say that I no longer have my trainer.  He is going through some hard things with a previous employer, and no longer wishes to train me or Matt. For about a week, I have been so discouraged, feeling like scrapping it all and never setting foot in a gym again. I ate 5 brownies one day, 2 servings of ice cream another day, and quit recording my macros. My only motivation has been to crawl into a hole and hide for a while. Yesterday, I actually started getting physically ill under the stress of it all. Okay, yes, it might have also had something to do with my bad food choices lately, but still. I haven't just lost a trainer, I've lost a friend.

Yesterday, I posted this on my facebook account:

I love people. I am quickly defensive of my friends and loyal to a fault. My heart is on my sleeve, always open, and trusts too easily. Most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it hurts especially when there are situations completely out of my control. My heart is so broken right now. I can't fix this. Sorry for being so vague. I just hope those who know what's going on will see this.

Matt has been advising me not to give up on my goals and dreams, not to throw away all the work I've done.  Last night, something he said truly reached my heart. I asked him if he thought this situation should harden me a bit, and he said this (paraphrased): "I think you need to put more value in everything that you put in people. Not just your trust, but yourself, your friendship you give people. When you develop a relationship with someone, you begin to pour yourself into that person. The deeper that friendship goes the more you invest. You advocate for them. You fight for them. You love and support them. Sometimes you challenge them to help them grow. Do not give that away so quickly or easily. Make them actually earn it. It is a very valuable part of you for someone to have."

So, this morning, I feel new resolve. I am not going to stop loving people with an open heart. I am just going to stop expecting so much from them on a personal level so quickly. I'm going to try to apply more grace and wisdom with how I approach my relationships, and be less reckless with my heart.

As far as my fitness journey, I am claiming it. My trainer has taught me well, and I have learned well. I would not have gotten this far without him, but I am on my own now. He led the way, but he did not carry me. I've worked very hard. I have been committed to following the plan. I have pushed myself to reach or exceed the goals he set for me in those workouts. My hands held those weights. My legs did those squats. My drive kept me going. He has been an excellent trainer and teacher to me, and I want to give him all the credit he is due, but this has not been his journey. It has been my journey, and it's still my journey now.

@jessicaenslowfit

So, here's the plan. I can't afford another trainer, for sure. So, from now on, I will be applying what I've learned and building on that.  I actually found another mom of 7 on Instagram who strength trains: @jessicaenslowfit . She's a little older than I am, and she's in great shape. A couple weeks ago, I asked my trainer how long it would take to reach her level of fitness, and he said 8-16 weeks. So, I'm shooting for 12. She recently shared a video about her fitness and nutrition plan. I'm going to start with that as a template for myself.

When I told the kids what had happened yesterday, their first thoughts were, "But who's gonna train us at the park now?! Hey mom, you can train us. You've learned a lot. You can make a good kids workout for us!"

And there it is. If they believe in me, I have to believe in me too.

I hurt badly for the situation my trainer has found himself in. I will pray for all involved, and I will be here ready to be a great friend if he ever wants my friendship again. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful family that needs me to live my life. They need me to be strong for them. They need me to be strong for me. I can do this. I have to do this.

Now, let's go.

A New Gym, and a Fresh Start

Monday Morning, I see this on my trainer's page:

Just to cease any rumors from starting I am no longer with ******* *******. That's it, no need for any further discussion. I don't believe in profiting from talking bad about or bashing others and i won't do it with this post. It was only a temporary job for me while I decided what I wanted to really do with my fitness career, not a big deal. I wish all my clients and friends the best with your fitness adventures and know that I am only a text or phone call away if you need help! This is a very good change for me mentally as now I am free again to pursue new adventures and really do something big on my own terms. Those of you who know my alpha personality its really the only option for me moving forward. The best is yet to come. Big thanks again to those of you I've met along the way you will always be family.

Um, WHAT?!?!  I knew this was coming, but it still hit me hard. I've been working really hard, and just started nutrition class, Matt just started officially training too. Oh, man. I felt kinda lost and abandoned right then.

Then, things got really positive. he said he was going to keep training us, even if we trained at a park. The kids were pumped. I was immediately in defense mode rallying together for our trainer. I sent an email to the owner of ******* ******* canceling our memberships, and we were all kind of on an exodus high feeling liberated and free from corporate corruption.

Then, Wednesday, things got crazy. I could tell he was getting discouraged, and my mama bear comes out (yes, even with friends). Who's messing with my friend?! Lemme at em!  Then, I'm afraid he really is going to quit being a trainer altogether, and I start feeling like an abandoned puppy in the rain. 4 hours later, he says we have a gym! Oh my goodness. I'm still recovering from Whiplash Wednesday!!! lol

The new gym is bigger, much more family friendly, less expensive, and has more equipment and classes available. I am so happy with the change.

Today was the first day training there. I brought the kids. They stayed in the play area. The play area has a bunch of toys, and even a train table. There are 2 dogs who stay at the gym: a boxer and a cocker spaniel. They are too sweet and just love everybody. 

Last week threw me off so bad. I hardly worked out, made bad food choices by the end, and ended up gaining 2 pounds. I am excited to get back on track and whip myself back into shape!  

Fist Bump for Fresh Start Friday!!

Why Am I Doing This? ~ Reassessing My Goals

I'm taking this journey farther than I've ever
been before, and I feel a little like Samwise here!

I am in my size 6 jeans. I'm 5 lbs away from my goal weight. I feel pretty good about myself, but I'm losing my drive! For the past 14 years of my life, I've been in a constant pattern of: Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This time, I chose to step things up a notch with personal training.  My life so far has not required a long term fitness attention span because as soon as I lose my weight, I'm pregnant again. Well, I'm not pregnant, and nothing is a guarantee. I can't live my life in limbo. I want to take charge and continue to choose my oxygen mask. I want to be strong inside and out! So, excuse me while I give myself another little pep talk. . .

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I'm in pretty good shape. I'm fitting into my skinny clothes again. I'm stronger. It's not like I'm a competitive body builder or anything. Why not just quit now and get back to normal?

Although all those things are true, it's more than just losing my baby weight this time. Here are my top five reasons to keep at it:

1. I chose to make fitness part of my life this time, not just for a short term weight loss goal.

2. I want to inspire my children to take care of themselves, and show my children that women can be strong.

3. I want to avoid physical problems as I get older, and physical fitness is a major key to that.

4. Being a mother of 7, I will probably have a lot of grandchildren someday, and I want to have the energy I need to enjoy them fully! I want to be an active grandma: babysitting, running, playing, and keeping up with those grandbabies!

5. I want to be confident! I don't want my body or self esteem to hold me back at any age. If I am confident and happy, my children most likely will be too. Not to mention the way my husband is enjoying my growing confidence!

So, little voice telling me to quit, you can hush now. I have a bright future ahead for me and my family. I have goals that will make my dreams come true. I've got this.

And on that note, here are my 14 week progress pics: