New Before Pics and Day One of MY Journey Begins!

I am so excited to begin MY journey today. I put that in all caps everytime to constantly remind me to own it. Own this journey. Own this plan. Own my motivation. This is MY journey this time.

I am currently 150 lbs. My goal is 130 lbs. I had Matt take new before pics for me. I am trying to focus on looking ahead to future gains, not on all I lost... So, posting these requires some bravery. I have to reject all the feelings of shame that I'm tempted to feel. It's not because I'm just ashamed of how I look. It's because I lost so much that I'd worked so hard for. So, please do not think that I think a 150 lb 5'4" woman is in terrible shape. No body shaming here, and that has to start with not body shaming myself. <3 Oh, I should take measurements too. I'll have to do that next time.

I lost my food scale. So, I'm just using measuring cups for now.

After the kids got home from school, and we picked up our new fish from a neighbor, we all piled in the van to meet Daddy at the YMCA. Boy, that childcare is a total game changer!

I didn't want to do my floor exercises in front of everyone at the gym. So, I hit all the leg machines they have. I did one set of 20 at a challenging weight. Then, did one more set of 20 at one level heavier. I also did 15 minutes on the good old stairstepper. I got 50 floors in. 

After the YMCA, we got Little Caesars for the kids since we were pressed for time. We dropped off the 3 that had a dance class. Then, Matt went to Applebee's to get us some salads (Grilled Chicken caesar). I took all the croutons off of mine and didn't use the dressing. It was so good!!

When we got home, I jumped down to the basement with Isaiah and did my floor exercises. Wow! good workout!! Give it a try! Just switch the sets and reps. They got those switched around!

So, here's my day in my notebook. As you can see, Selah got a hold of it. I was under my protein, and over my carbs and fats. Not too shabby for day one, though!!

Whew!! I worked hard today!!!

Decluttering My Soul and Getting Real

I am tired of all the distractions. A lot of my friends are great at decluttering their homes and becoming minimalists. I want that too. We have way too much stuff, and it steals our joy and dominates our time. Recently though, I have been focused on the much deeper issue of decluttering my soul.

There are so many distractions that rob me of a deep relationship with God, and I am sick of it. Really. It's starting to tick me off. I am so distracted with what people expect of me, and whether or not something I do will "offend" them. I have been discouraged to the point of paralyzation in my relationship with God.

I am 36 years old, and I want to live my life!! Who did God make me to be? What are my strengths? Who am I beyond "Mom"? What did God have in mind when he made me? I want to fearlessly pursue the answers to these questions. I want to let go of the distractions. I want to be more real than I've ever been.

What does this mean practically? It means that I will stop shackling my life to man's law, and enjoy my liberty in Jesus. This will upset some people. I'm going to start living authentically and stop playing the game of pleasing others. I want to please Jesus. I don't need to please you. If I am pleasing Jesus, but still disappointing you, then you need to reassess your standards because yours shouldn't be higher than His.

I'm not a theologian. I just want to let go of the extra-Biblical standards that have been holding me back and discouraging me from closeness with Jesus on a daily basis.

Because it's not about listening to super conservative music or staying away from movie theaters or not getting a piercing. It's not about abstaining from alcohol or dancing. It's not about how long my skirt is or if my swimsuit is 1 piece or not. It's not about having tattoo free skin. It's not even about having as many children as my womb can carry.

Although it's not wrong to hold to these standards, if they become more important than what God wants me to do, they become idols, and I become a Pharisee.

It's about being a source of love to a world that is broken and hurting. It's about being Jesus's hands and feet. It's about finding strength in Jesus Christ to reject fear and embrace love. It's about trusting Him, taking risks and rocking the boat. It is about seeing people as souls, not opportunities for judgment.

I want to be free. I WANT TO LIVE! Jesus says He is the way, the truth and the LIFE. I want to have what I've seen in others. I want my children to grow up knowing what is truly important, and not be overwhelmed with the standards that man tries to burden them with.

This post will certainly be frowned upon by some, even a disappointment to others, but I feel like it is necessary if I am going to grow.

With all the pain and violence in the world, I pray that my life would be a source of love and healing. That's all. I want God to use me to reach others with His love. I want my life to give others hope that there is a God that loves them and that can rescue them from the evil in this world. 

In Defense of The Messy Housewife

Luke 10:38-42  

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary,who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

For me, it's easy to be Mary. I see people. I see moments. I see memories. I see emotion and hurt feelings. When something is spilled or broken, my first thought and words out of my mouth are: "Is everyone okay?! Is anyone hurt?", not about the thing broken or the mess made. I see the truth in Ms Frizzle's quote, "Get messy! Make mistakes!"

My hero: Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus

The problem is that we housewives are not judged by how well adjusted our children are, how kind they are to other kids, or how they look out for each other. We are not judged by how well we have supported our husband's goals and dreams over the years. We are not judged by how much sleep we've lost to comfort and care for children, how we take the time to listen to their long accounts of their bad (or good) dreams, or how we breastfeed a baby through the whole night constantly sacrificing personal space. We are not judged by our smile, our hugs, or our patience.

No, I am judged by one thing more than anything else: the state of my house. If the house is clean and organized, laundry and dishes kept up, and meals planned; I am a success! If the house is a mess, I have dozens of loads of laundry to do, a sink overflowing with dishes, and I beg for takeout just so I don't have to add cooking to my list of things to do; I am a failure. My house is either my pride or my shame.

I want to speak out against this shaming. I want to stand up for myself, and hopefully help other messy housewives find the strength to stand up for themselves.

I am worth more than the state of my house. It's not fair to judge someone on their weaknesses. Why not see each other for our strengths? We "Marys" often feel extremely intimidated by "Marthas". Honestly, Marthas make me feel like a total screw up. I have so much respect for them and their beautiful welcoming homes. Often, they are very loving women that work hard to use their homes as a way to love others. Ugh!! I want to be like that so much!!! I feel like I should be able to be strong in all the Mary things and the Martha things too.


Is that realistic, though? I really don't think it is in this stage of my life, and "this stage of my life" has lasted over a dozen years now. One day, I won't have babies to hold and nurse or toddlers at my feet, but for the last 12 1/2 years, that has been my life constantly. Pregnant one year, infant the next, toddler and pregnant the next year, infant and toddler, pregnant and toddlers, on and on and on for 7 children. I am indeed a rich RICH woman, but all these growing little ones demand a lot of time and attention, and they make a lot of messes. I think it's reasonable to extend a little grace my way. 

Please, see my strengths when you see me, and understand that I want desperately to be better at keeping up with my housework. Maybe we need a new title. "Housewife" implies that our primary job is the house. Someone once told me that caring for the house was my calling and my ministry. No, friend. The house is just a part of it. My "ministry" is contained in the hearts and spirits of my husband and children. Yes, caring for them includes housework. I just don't want to be judged solely on how I stink at housekeeping. I am much more than that.

When Matt fell in love with me, he saw my people skills. He saw my love and care I have for people. Please don't reduce my worth to a messy house or even occasionally a clean one. There was a time when I would've accepted that shame and let it break me down, but I am seeing the fruit of my strengths as a wife and mom now. I have supported my husband through finishing his college degree, many job changes, a major career change, nursing school, and continuing his education to this day. Our children are kind and smart and strong, and we have developed a good open line of communication.

Don't look at me and see a messy house. I am in the business of heartkeeping more than housekeeping. I will get better at the housekeeping part, and I truly need to get better at it. However, judge me by my strengths, and I'll judge you by yours. 

Love and peace to you all. I'll sign off with a picture of Selah in the sock basket.

Quityerbellyachin

Dad's birthday 2014

When your dad dies, you can't pick up the phone and talk to him about what's going on in your life. So, you have to remember what he's always taught you, and apply it. No doubt, this is the very best way to honor your dad's memory.

Recently, I was fooled into thinking someone was a good friend. The truth revealed something very different, and that hurt a lot. If I could talk to my dad about this, he would tell me to see this person for who they have been shown to be and move on with my life.  Even though Dad isn't here to defend me, he is part of me. I have that same fire in my spirit.

Here's what I know he would want me to remember. The God of the whole universe loves me! The universe is infinitely bigger than this situation. He would talk about how tiny the earth is in comparison to the rest of the universe. He used this to help put things in perspective. He would talk about how amazing it is that the God who created this vast universe became one of us to save us because He loves us. He was in awe and often brought to tears over God's love for him.

I was so blessed to have an earthly father who loved me. I am married to a wonderful man who shows me true selfless love everyday. Not to mention the rest of my family and friends who have proven themselves to be true. I don't need to waste another day feeling down about someone that was never truly my friend in the first place. Yes, it is very sad, but I have so much more in my life that needs my attention and so much to be happy about:

-My 21 Day Fix came in the mail yesterday! I admit, I am not super excited to get into workout videos again, but I am happy to have a fresh start, and I am happy to join an encouraging fitness community. Also, I'm going to do The Whole 30 Diet for the month of September with a friend of mine. I've never done it, but I've heard it is an amazing nutritional reset. I got lots of healthy food at the store today, and I'm really excited about it... except for the part where I have to drink my coffee black...

-Another huge thing is that I have my amazing friend's new book about her journey through the tragic loss of her little boy. I cannot wait to read her story and write my heart out about what I learn through her.

-Our children have had a wonderful beginning to the new school year! They've been early everyday which is just incredible. They are working hard, and I am so proud of all of them!

-The last major thing is that we have the opportunity to refinance our home to lower our house payment. So, I have a lot of work to do to get ready for the appraiser who's coming next week!! I'm really scared...

Lots of things going on. Lots of people. Lots of energy happening all around me. So much good. So much work to do. So many blessings.

Thank you for all the good advice, Dad. I appreciate it now more than ever.

Today would've been my dad's 77th birthday. I want to honor him by turning the page on this recent drama, and using the stubbornness I got from him to start the next exciting chapter of my oxygen mask. In dad's words:

Sar, Quit Yer Bellyachin!!

Yes, Dad. You are right...

Jesus, Don't Let Me Be a Weak Woman with Strong Muscles.

Strength training is pretty great. It's amazing to start lifting heavier weights, and feel yourself getting stronger. What's on my mind tonight isn't about dumbbells or barbells or kettlebells. No, I could increase my physical strength all I want, but if I don't increase my inner strength, what's the use? If I reach or exceed my fitness goals, but I can't control my tongue or my temper, I am not truly a strong woman. If I can lift heavy weights, but treat my family and friends like garbage when I am under pressure, I am nothing but a weak woman with strong muscles.

Lately, my fitness life has been a wreck. In a way it's good because it is forcing me to see things in the light of truth, and my perspective is getting clearer. I am seeing that my fitness "house" has been built on the sand. So, when the storms came, the house went "SPLAT" as the song goes. So, where's the rock I can rebuild on? Where is my sure and solid foundation?

I am a Christian. I choose to put my faith in Jesus Christ. So, I did a quick search for Bible verses about strength. Here are some I found:

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be faint.

Psalm 119:28

My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word.

Ephesians 6:10

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Father, thank you for putting some things in my life lately that have shown great weakness in me. Thank you for revealing those weaknesses so you can make them strengths. You are so good to me. Please use me for good. Please use me to love people with the love of Jesus. Thank you that I can trust that you will increase my strength. Help me to be a strong woman inside and out. 

Heartbreak and Resolve

Over the last 4 months, I have had the opportunity to work with an outstanding personal trainer. I have lost about 30 pounds, gained a lot of strength, and learned a lot about fitness nutrition. If you've read my blog, you know how much I appreciate all I've gained from my trainer, not to mention how my whole family has grown to love and respect him.

My last post was about switching gyms. I don't regret that decision. It's is a much better fit for our family. It has a nice play area for the kids, and it's significantly less expensive.

I am very sad to say that I no longer have my trainer.  He is going through some hard things with a previous employer, and no longer wishes to train me or Matt. For about a week, I have been so discouraged, feeling like scrapping it all and never setting foot in a gym again. I ate 5 brownies one day, 2 servings of ice cream another day, and quit recording my macros. My only motivation has been to crawl into a hole and hide for a while. Yesterday, I actually started getting physically ill under the stress of it all. Okay, yes, it might have also had something to do with my bad food choices lately, but still. I haven't just lost a trainer, I've lost a friend.

Yesterday, I posted this on my facebook account:

I love people. I am quickly defensive of my friends and loyal to a fault. My heart is on my sleeve, always open, and trusts too easily. Most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it hurts especially when there are situations completely out of my control. My heart is so broken right now. I can't fix this. Sorry for being so vague. I just hope those who know what's going on will see this.

Matt has been advising me not to give up on my goals and dreams, not to throw away all the work I've done.  Last night, something he said truly reached my heart. I asked him if he thought this situation should harden me a bit, and he said this (paraphrased): "I think you need to put more value in everything that you put in people. Not just your trust, but yourself, your friendship you give people. When you develop a relationship with someone, you begin to pour yourself into that person. The deeper that friendship goes the more you invest. You advocate for them. You fight for them. You love and support them. Sometimes you challenge them to help them grow. Do not give that away so quickly or easily. Make them actually earn it. It is a very valuable part of you for someone to have."

So, this morning, I feel new resolve. I am not going to stop loving people with an open heart. I am just going to stop expecting so much from them on a personal level so quickly. I'm going to try to apply more grace and wisdom with how I approach my relationships, and be less reckless with my heart.

As far as my fitness journey, I am claiming it. My trainer has taught me well, and I have learned well. I would not have gotten this far without him, but I am on my own now. He led the way, but he did not carry me. I've worked very hard. I have been committed to following the plan. I have pushed myself to reach or exceed the goals he set for me in those workouts. My hands held those weights. My legs did those squats. My drive kept me going. He has been an excellent trainer and teacher to me, and I want to give him all the credit he is due, but this has not been his journey. It has been my journey, and it's still my journey now.

@jessicaenslowfit

So, here's the plan. I can't afford another trainer, for sure. So, from now on, I will be applying what I've learned and building on that.  I actually found another mom of 7 on Instagram who strength trains: @jessicaenslowfit . She's a little older than I am, and she's in great shape. A couple weeks ago, I asked my trainer how long it would take to reach her level of fitness, and he said 8-16 weeks. So, I'm shooting for 12. She recently shared a video about her fitness and nutrition plan. I'm going to start with that as a template for myself.

When I told the kids what had happened yesterday, their first thoughts were, "But who's gonna train us at the park now?! Hey mom, you can train us. You've learned a lot. You can make a good kids workout for us!"

And there it is. If they believe in me, I have to believe in me too.

I hurt badly for the situation my trainer has found himself in. I will pray for all involved, and I will be here ready to be a great friend if he ever wants my friendship again. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful family that needs me to live my life. They need me to be strong for them. They need me to be strong for me. I can do this. I have to do this.

Now, let's go.

Why Am I Doing This? ~ Reassessing My Goals

I'm taking this journey farther than I've ever
been before, and I feel a little like Samwise here!

I am in my size 6 jeans. I'm 5 lbs away from my goal weight. I feel pretty good about myself, but I'm losing my drive! For the past 14 years of my life, I've been in a constant pattern of: Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This time, I chose to step things up a notch with personal training.  My life so far has not required a long term fitness attention span because as soon as I lose my weight, I'm pregnant again. Well, I'm not pregnant, and nothing is a guarantee. I can't live my life in limbo. I want to take charge and continue to choose my oxygen mask. I want to be strong inside and out! So, excuse me while I give myself another little pep talk. . .

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I'm in pretty good shape. I'm fitting into my skinny clothes again. I'm stronger. It's not like I'm a competitive body builder or anything. Why not just quit now and get back to normal?

Although all those things are true, it's more than just losing my baby weight this time. Here are my top five reasons to keep at it:

1. I chose to make fitness part of my life this time, not just for a short term weight loss goal.

2. I want to inspire my children to take care of themselves, and show my children that women can be strong.

3. I want to avoid physical problems as I get older, and physical fitness is a major key to that.

4. Being a mother of 7, I will probably have a lot of grandchildren someday, and I want to have the energy I need to enjoy them fully! I want to be an active grandma: babysitting, running, playing, and keeping up with those grandbabies!

5. I want to be confident! I don't want my body or self esteem to hold me back at any age. If I am confident and happy, my children most likely will be too. Not to mention the way my husband is enjoying my growing confidence!

So, little voice telling me to quit, you can hush now. I have a bright future ahead for me and my family. I have goals that will make my dreams come true. I've got this.

And on that note, here are my 14 week progress pics:

Daddy's Girl

He would be proud of me. I wish I could call him and tell him how I'm doing at the gym. I wish he could call me and tell me how he's impressed with the progress I'm making and how strong I'm getting. I wish he could've seen me dance for the first time in June.

Whenever Dad was proud of any of us, he would make a bunch of phone calls and tell everybody the exciting news whatever it happened to be. He loved to brag on all of us.

When I was a young girl, and I messed up on my flute solo and had to start over, he just praised me with tears in his eyes for how I handled myself when I made a mistake. I was always the most beautiful princess in the crowd to him. He respected me as a mother.

I never knew what a treasure it was to have a dad who believed in me.  I never knew how much I would miss his praise. I never knew how much I would miss finding out that he had been talking about me or my family to his brothers or cousins or friends at church. He would even brag on us to nurses and doctors when he had an appointment or was admitted.

I'm just really missing him, missing his attention, missing his kind encouraging words; but more than anything, I am so deeply grateful that I had a dad that loved me that much, and that he was the kind of dad that is missed dearly after he's gone.

Lots and Lots of Good News to Report!!

Hi!! I really just want to catch up with you all. So much to share with you!!

My kids continue to be absolute rockstars. They are such a huge support to me, and I could not do this without their support. Here are a few pictures of us working out last week:

At this point, with my fitness, I am amazed at how quickly my body is changing. I want to share this photo with you. These were taken just 1 week apart. When I saw this comparison, I was blown away! Yay mommy muscles!!

And here are my official 12 week progress pics!!

 I went to my first bootcamp at the gym, and it was great! I didn't expect being in a group to be that intense, but it is! He put me with Rick. He's a little older and bigger and stronger, but because we were a team, I pushed myself to try to keep up with him! Here are some pictures from bootcamp taken by my trainer:

I am so excited that Matt is going to start training tomorrow!! I am so proud of him for taking this huge step in his own self care. He constantly denies himself for me and the kids. Now, he's going to take some well deserved time to focus on himself. Go, honey, go!!! 

I LOST 5 POUNDS LAST WEEK!!!!! After a month long plateau, I am down to 135, just 5 pounds away from my goal! It's weird to say 130 is my goal since I was always skinnier than that, but this is the new muscular version of me, and I love it!! Here's a picture of my victorious weight loss chart:

A little collection from a photoshoot with my babies:

Have an awesome day, everybody!!!

Patience with Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression is a real thing, and it really stinks. Basically, your emotions do not match your reality. You feel sad when there is nothing to be sad about, or angry when there is nothing to be angry about. After 12 years of snowballing PPD symptoms, I finally gave in and saw my doctor. I started taking an antidepressant. One of my major goals is replacing my antidepressant with working out. I know it's possible because endorphins can fight depression. I have felt a lot better since I started taking medication for PPD, but I don't want to be on medication!!  I look forward to the time when I am past the risk window for PPD, and I can wean off the medication, but I am not there yet, and that is really discouraging to me.

So, I need to give myself a pep talk. I'm just going to pretend I'm talking to someone else because it's so much easier to encourage other people, right? Yes, I realize this may make me sound like a crazy person, but hey! I'm already on an antidepressant. So, why not just go with it?  (Pssst... I am TERRIBLE at jokes. That was an attempt at making a joke.)

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Just 3 months ago, you couldn't even balance an empty barbell. You really strained to push that sled without any weight on it, and could hardly push it at all when he put a little weight on it. Your side planks were 6-10 seconds long. You could not do a plank on the stability ball. You gave your all when you put in 25 minutes on the stair stepper, and the elliptical was enough to kill you. Box jumps seemed like a pipe dream.

Today, you were squatting weight on the barbell (I'm not sure how much total) for about 30 minutes. You pushed that sled with no problem even when he added weight. Your side planks are now a full minute long. You CAN do a full minute plank on the stability ball. You put in 50 minutes on the stair stepper or elliptical, and you challenge yourself with speed and calorie burn. And, yesterday, you did 5 box jumps.  

3 months. Look what happened in 3 months. Give yourself a break. If this is PPD, you'll get off that medication, but you just need some more time. Keep at it, and imagine what you'll be able to do in another 3 months...

To My Husband with Love

You inspire me, honey. When you decide you want to do something, it gets done. You have worked so hard to earn your degrees and serve your students and patients well. You are the most loving and gracious husband I could've ever hoped for. You believe in me more than anyone ever has. You love me. You love us. You love this sweet family we have built together. I love how the support in our marriage goes both ways. I have encouraged and supported you to go after your dreams through the years, and you have always encouraged me to do the same. When I asked you about joining a gym and getting a personal trainer, we couldn't afford it. We still can't, but you gave me your full support because you believed I was worth the risk, and you believed I was a worthy investment. That is such a motivation to me to work hard to reach my goals. Ana took these pictures today marking 11 weeks of progress.  I am so incredibly happy with the results. I am so grateful to you for supporting me in this journey. I love you so much, honey. When I know you believe in me and support me, I can do anything. I give you a huge amount of credit for my physical transformation over the last 11 weeks.  

All my love,

Me