New Before Pics and Day One of MY Journey Begins!

I am so excited to begin MY journey today. I put that in all caps everytime to constantly remind me to own it. Own this journey. Own this plan. Own my motivation. This is MY journey this time.

I am currently 150 lbs. My goal is 130 lbs. I had Matt take new before pics for me. I am trying to focus on looking ahead to future gains, not on all I lost... So, posting these requires some bravery. I have to reject all the feelings of shame that I'm tempted to feel. It's not because I'm just ashamed of how I look. It's because I lost so much that I'd worked so hard for. So, please do not think that I think a 150 lb 5'4" woman is in terrible shape. No body shaming here, and that has to start with not body shaming myself. <3 Oh, I should take measurements too. I'll have to do that next time.

I lost my food scale. So, I'm just using measuring cups for now.

After the kids got home from school, and we picked up our new fish from a neighbor, we all piled in the van to meet Daddy at the YMCA. Boy, that childcare is a total game changer!

I didn't want to do my floor exercises in front of everyone at the gym. So, I hit all the leg machines they have. I did one set of 20 at a challenging weight. Then, did one more set of 20 at one level heavier. I also did 15 minutes on the good old stairstepper. I got 50 floors in. 

After the YMCA, we got Little Caesars for the kids since we were pressed for time. We dropped off the 3 that had a dance class. Then, Matt went to Applebee's to get us some salads (Grilled Chicken caesar). I took all the croutons off of mine and didn't use the dressing. It was so good!!

When we got home, I jumped down to the basement with Isaiah and did my floor exercises. Wow! good workout!! Give it a try! Just switch the sets and reps. They got those switched around!

So, here's my day in my notebook. As you can see, Selah got a hold of it. I was under my protein, and over my carbs and fats. Not too shabby for day one, though!!

Whew!! I worked hard today!!!

Heartbreak and Resolve

Over the last 4 months, I have had the opportunity to work with an outstanding personal trainer. I have lost about 30 pounds, gained a lot of strength, and learned a lot about fitness nutrition. If you've read my blog, you know how much I appreciate all I've gained from my trainer, not to mention how my whole family has grown to love and respect him.

My last post was about switching gyms. I don't regret that decision. It's is a much better fit for our family. It has a nice play area for the kids, and it's significantly less expensive.

I am very sad to say that I no longer have my trainer.  He is going through some hard things with a previous employer, and no longer wishes to train me or Matt. For about a week, I have been so discouraged, feeling like scrapping it all and never setting foot in a gym again. I ate 5 brownies one day, 2 servings of ice cream another day, and quit recording my macros. My only motivation has been to crawl into a hole and hide for a while. Yesterday, I actually started getting physically ill under the stress of it all. Okay, yes, it might have also had something to do with my bad food choices lately, but still. I haven't just lost a trainer, I've lost a friend.

Yesterday, I posted this on my facebook account:

I love people. I am quickly defensive of my friends and loyal to a fault. My heart is on my sleeve, always open, and trusts too easily. Most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it hurts especially when there are situations completely out of my control. My heart is so broken right now. I can't fix this. Sorry for being so vague. I just hope those who know what's going on will see this.

Matt has been advising me not to give up on my goals and dreams, not to throw away all the work I've done.  Last night, something he said truly reached my heart. I asked him if he thought this situation should harden me a bit, and he said this (paraphrased): "I think you need to put more value in everything that you put in people. Not just your trust, but yourself, your friendship you give people. When you develop a relationship with someone, you begin to pour yourself into that person. The deeper that friendship goes the more you invest. You advocate for them. You fight for them. You love and support them. Sometimes you challenge them to help them grow. Do not give that away so quickly or easily. Make them actually earn it. It is a very valuable part of you for someone to have."

So, this morning, I feel new resolve. I am not going to stop loving people with an open heart. I am just going to stop expecting so much from them on a personal level so quickly. I'm going to try to apply more grace and wisdom with how I approach my relationships, and be less reckless with my heart.

As far as my fitness journey, I am claiming it. My trainer has taught me well, and I have learned well. I would not have gotten this far without him, but I am on my own now. He led the way, but he did not carry me. I've worked very hard. I have been committed to following the plan. I have pushed myself to reach or exceed the goals he set for me in those workouts. My hands held those weights. My legs did those squats. My drive kept me going. He has been an excellent trainer and teacher to me, and I want to give him all the credit he is due, but this has not been his journey. It has been my journey, and it's still my journey now.

@jessicaenslowfit

So, here's the plan. I can't afford another trainer, for sure. So, from now on, I will be applying what I've learned and building on that.  I actually found another mom of 7 on Instagram who strength trains: @jessicaenslowfit . She's a little older than I am, and she's in great shape. A couple weeks ago, I asked my trainer how long it would take to reach her level of fitness, and he said 8-16 weeks. So, I'm shooting for 12. She recently shared a video about her fitness and nutrition plan. I'm going to start with that as a template for myself.

When I told the kids what had happened yesterday, their first thoughts were, "But who's gonna train us at the park now?! Hey mom, you can train us. You've learned a lot. You can make a good kids workout for us!"

And there it is. If they believe in me, I have to believe in me too.

I hurt badly for the situation my trainer has found himself in. I will pray for all involved, and I will be here ready to be a great friend if he ever wants my friendship again. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful family that needs me to live my life. They need me to be strong for them. They need me to be strong for me. I can do this. I have to do this.

Now, let's go.

Why Am I Doing This? ~ Reassessing My Goals

I'm taking this journey farther than I've ever
been before, and I feel a little like Samwise here!

I am in my size 6 jeans. I'm 5 lbs away from my goal weight. I feel pretty good about myself, but I'm losing my drive! For the past 14 years of my life, I've been in a constant pattern of: Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Get pregnant. Lose baby weight. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

This time, I chose to step things up a notch with personal training.  My life so far has not required a long term fitness attention span because as soon as I lose my weight, I'm pregnant again. Well, I'm not pregnant, and nothing is a guarantee. I can't live my life in limbo. I want to take charge and continue to choose my oxygen mask. I want to be strong inside and out! So, excuse me while I give myself another little pep talk. . .

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I'm in pretty good shape. I'm fitting into my skinny clothes again. I'm stronger. It's not like I'm a competitive body builder or anything. Why not just quit now and get back to normal?

Although all those things are true, it's more than just losing my baby weight this time. Here are my top five reasons to keep at it:

1. I chose to make fitness part of my life this time, not just for a short term weight loss goal.

2. I want to inspire my children to take care of themselves, and show my children that women can be strong.

3. I want to avoid physical problems as I get older, and physical fitness is a major key to that.

4. Being a mother of 7, I will probably have a lot of grandchildren someday, and I want to have the energy I need to enjoy them fully! I want to be an active grandma: babysitting, running, playing, and keeping up with those grandbabies!

5. I want to be confident! I don't want my body or self esteem to hold me back at any age. If I am confident and happy, my children most likely will be too. Not to mention the way my husband is enjoying my growing confidence!

So, little voice telling me to quit, you can hush now. I have a bright future ahead for me and my family. I have goals that will make my dreams come true. I've got this.

And on that note, here are my 14 week progress pics:

Lots and Lots of Good News to Report!!

Hi!! I really just want to catch up with you all. So much to share with you!!

My kids continue to be absolute rockstars. They are such a huge support to me, and I could not do this without their support. Here are a few pictures of us working out last week:

At this point, with my fitness, I am amazed at how quickly my body is changing. I want to share this photo with you. These were taken just 1 week apart. When I saw this comparison, I was blown away! Yay mommy muscles!!

And here are my official 12 week progress pics!!

 I went to my first bootcamp at the gym, and it was great! I didn't expect being in a group to be that intense, but it is! He put me with Rick. He's a little older and bigger and stronger, but because we were a team, I pushed myself to try to keep up with him! Here are some pictures from bootcamp taken by my trainer:

I am so excited that Matt is going to start training tomorrow!! I am so proud of him for taking this huge step in his own self care. He constantly denies himself for me and the kids. Now, he's going to take some well deserved time to focus on himself. Go, honey, go!!! 

I LOST 5 POUNDS LAST WEEK!!!!! After a month long plateau, I am down to 135, just 5 pounds away from my goal! It's weird to say 130 is my goal since I was always skinnier than that, but this is the new muscular version of me, and I love it!! Here's a picture of my victorious weight loss chart:

A little collection from a photoshoot with my babies:

Have an awesome day, everybody!!!

To My Husband with Love

You inspire me, honey. When you decide you want to do something, it gets done. You have worked so hard to earn your degrees and serve your students and patients well. You are the most loving and gracious husband I could've ever hoped for. You believe in me more than anyone ever has. You love me. You love us. You love this sweet family we have built together. I love how the support in our marriage goes both ways. I have encouraged and supported you to go after your dreams through the years, and you have always encouraged me to do the same. When I asked you about joining a gym and getting a personal trainer, we couldn't afford it. We still can't, but you gave me your full support because you believed I was worth the risk, and you believed I was a worthy investment. That is such a motivation to me to work hard to reach my goals. Ana took these pictures today marking 11 weeks of progress.  I am so incredibly happy with the results. I am so grateful to you for supporting me in this journey. I love you so much, honey. When I know you believe in me and support me, I can do anything. I give you a huge amount of credit for my physical transformation over the last 11 weeks.  

All my love,

Me

Sometimes, You Just Have To Prove It To Yourself

I went on the elliptical machine today and loved it. I burned more calories than I've ever burned! I love how I completely control my pace instead of having to keep up with it. I remember the first time I came in to the gym and tried the elliptical. I thought I was going to die after 15 minutes. Today, I went 3 miles in 45 minutes and burned over 400 calories!

I bought my ticket for the bodybuilding competition! I'm excited to support my sweet new friend, and at the same time, I am really nervous that I will see all the "perfect" bodies, and be really depressed about myself. So, I decided that I am going to train extra hard. If I know I've worked my butt off, I know I'll be a lot more confident. I started this journey to reach my goals, and I am determined to reach them. I was really encouraged today to see my gradual, yet huge progress over the last 8 weeks. It means so much to know that I am having success because I'm working hard and committed to following my nutrition plan. Sometimes, you just have to prove it to yourself. These photos are so encouraging to me. If you decide to get yourself in shape, do yourself a favor, and take pictures. Seeing your progress will be the fuel that keeps your spirit burning. 

I Will Be Brave. Here It Goes. (Progress Pics)

Matt updated my progress pictures today. He told me that I should be brave and share the ones that show my midsection to show you how far I've really come in the last 7 weeks. This is scary for me, but in the hope that it may encourage or inspire someone out there, I will share these with you. The pictures on the left were taken on April 8th. The pictures on the right were taken today, May 26th. I am very thankful for my trainer and all he is teaching me about diet and exercise. I just do whatever he tells me to do, and clearly he knows what he's doing because I'm seeing results fast!