Day 1

I just did the first day of The 21 Day Fix: Cardio Fix. It's okay. It's a workout video. To be honest, it was hard going back to that: keeping up with a video, being interrupted by my kids around me and under my feet, deciding whether to rewind or just miss those moves, workouts designed for the masses and not me personally... Yeah, I definitely have a transition ahead of me, but it'll get better. I'm doing this because I just don't know what else to do right now, and people I respect recommend the program.

Matt and I are starting The Whole 30 tomorrow. I'm pretty confident that will make a big difference in how I feel.

No deep or inspiring thoughts today. Just a quick journal entry about day 1. I'm confident that future reports will get more and more positive. It's just one of those days, that's all. :)

I found this meme today. I thought it was an encouraging reminder:

Also, this:

Thank you for reading my little blog. I hope it is a source of encouragement. I know it has been a bit of a downer lately, but that will change soon. I'm sure. :)

Quityerbellyachin

Dad's birthday 2014

When your dad dies, you can't pick up the phone and talk to him about what's going on in your life. So, you have to remember what he's always taught you, and apply it. No doubt, this is the very best way to honor your dad's memory.

Recently, I was fooled into thinking someone was a good friend. The truth revealed something very different, and that hurt a lot. If I could talk to my dad about this, he would tell me to see this person for who they have been shown to be and move on with my life.  Even though Dad isn't here to defend me, he is part of me. I have that same fire in my spirit.

Here's what I know he would want me to remember. The God of the whole universe loves me! The universe is infinitely bigger than this situation. He would talk about how tiny the earth is in comparison to the rest of the universe. He used this to help put things in perspective. He would talk about how amazing it is that the God who created this vast universe became one of us to save us because He loves us. He was in awe and often brought to tears over God's love for him.

I was so blessed to have an earthly father who loved me. I am married to a wonderful man who shows me true selfless love everyday. Not to mention the rest of my family and friends who have proven themselves to be true. I don't need to waste another day feeling down about someone that was never truly my friend in the first place. Yes, it is very sad, but I have so much more in my life that needs my attention and so much to be happy about:

-My 21 Day Fix came in the mail yesterday! I admit, I am not super excited to get into workout videos again, but I am happy to have a fresh start, and I am happy to join an encouraging fitness community. Also, I'm going to do The Whole 30 Diet for the month of September with a friend of mine. I've never done it, but I've heard it is an amazing nutritional reset. I got lots of healthy food at the store today, and I'm really excited about it... except for the part where I have to drink my coffee black...

-Another huge thing is that I have my amazing friend's new book about her journey through the tragic loss of her little boy. I cannot wait to read her story and write my heart out about what I learn through her.

-Our children have had a wonderful beginning to the new school year! They've been early everyday which is just incredible. They are working hard, and I am so proud of all of them!

-The last major thing is that we have the opportunity to refinance our home to lower our house payment. So, I have a lot of work to do to get ready for the appraiser who's coming next week!! I'm really scared...

Lots of things going on. Lots of people. Lots of energy happening all around me. So much good. So much work to do. So many blessings.

Thank you for all the good advice, Dad. I appreciate it now more than ever.

Today would've been my dad's 77th birthday. I want to honor him by turning the page on this recent drama, and using the stubbornness I got from him to start the next exciting chapter of my oxygen mask. In dad's words:

Sar, Quit Yer Bellyachin!!

Yes, Dad. You are right...

Mommy's Day Off

Last night, Matt told me he wanted me to take the whole day off today. He stayed home with all 7 children and worked on the house. We did meet up this afternoon to attend a friend's birthday party together. I stayed out all day shopping, relaxing; and best of all, I got to go to my friend's book launch at our local coffee shop and visit with sweet friends there.

My Sexy Babywearing Hero

Today, God showed me that I am not alone, and I have some really great friends that genuinely care about me. I'm getting more and more excited about starting the 21 Day Fix. I also decided to start the Whole 30 on September 1st with a friend of mine. I'm trying to say yes to opportunities to plug into groups of good friends who want to challenge each other to reach common goals of health and fitness. 

When I came home tonight, I was refreshed and happy. I needed this day off badly. I am so encouraged. I truly feel like I can turn the page from all the fitness related negativity I've experienced recently, and jump into the next phase with enthusiastic abandon!

I am so so thankful for today.

I am so thankful for my husband.

I am so thankful for my God who has shown his lovingkindness to me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13)

I've got this because He's got me. 

Sticks and Stones

It has been about 2 weeks since I worked out or paid much attention to my nutrition. It has been a heavy couple of weeks. Last Friday after some kind strong words of wisdom from my husband, I was encouraged and inspired to get back on my game, but things really fell apart for me quickly. I didn't realize that I was letting myself be completely driven by the approval and praise of one individual. Although it has been very painful, it is good that that weakness has been revealed in me. I made this picture a few days ago to illustrate how I've been feeling lately:

Nobody should have that much power over me. All those thoughts oppressing me are from Satan. I've worked too hard to give it all up now. I don't feel comfortable going to any gym right now. I need to do something different. So, I am going to give Beachbody workout videos a try. I'm mainly doing it because of the great community and support network that comes with it. My friend is a coach. She is in incredible shape, and I really look up to her as a Christian woman and mom. I'm going to join her team for a while. I'm trying to be optimistic. I just need time to adjust and re acclimate. I still don't have the motivation and drive I need to succeed, but I'm in a growing process right now. I look forward to my spirit getting stronger even more than I look forward to my body getting toned and strong.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." is a total lie. Words can be life-giving or cancer-spreading to your spirit. They can drive you to succeed or devastate you. I cannot express how thankful I am for my husband. His gentle loving words of truth are an anchor for me while I am in this storm. 

Jesus, Don't Let Me Be a Weak Woman with Strong Muscles.

Strength training is pretty great. It's amazing to start lifting heavier weights, and feel yourself getting stronger. What's on my mind tonight isn't about dumbbells or barbells or kettlebells. No, I could increase my physical strength all I want, but if I don't increase my inner strength, what's the use? If I reach or exceed my fitness goals, but I can't control my tongue or my temper, I am not truly a strong woman. If I can lift heavy weights, but treat my family and friends like garbage when I am under pressure, I am nothing but a weak woman with strong muscles.

Lately, my fitness life has been a wreck. In a way it's good because it is forcing me to see things in the light of truth, and my perspective is getting clearer. I am seeing that my fitness "house" has been built on the sand. So, when the storms came, the house went "SPLAT" as the song goes. So, where's the rock I can rebuild on? Where is my sure and solid foundation?

I am a Christian. I choose to put my faith in Jesus Christ. So, I did a quick search for Bible verses about strength. Here are some I found:

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be faint.

Psalm 119:28

My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word.

Ephesians 6:10

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Father, thank you for putting some things in my life lately that have shown great weakness in me. Thank you for revealing those weaknesses so you can make them strengths. You are so good to me. Please use me for good. Please use me to love people with the love of Jesus. Thank you that I can trust that you will increase my strength. Help me to be a strong woman inside and out. 

Heartbreak and Resolve

Over the last 4 months, I have had the opportunity to work with an outstanding personal trainer. I have lost about 30 pounds, gained a lot of strength, and learned a lot about fitness nutrition. If you've read my blog, you know how much I appreciate all I've gained from my trainer, not to mention how my whole family has grown to love and respect him.

My last post was about switching gyms. I don't regret that decision. It's is a much better fit for our family. It has a nice play area for the kids, and it's significantly less expensive.

I am very sad to say that I no longer have my trainer.  He is going through some hard things with a previous employer, and no longer wishes to train me or Matt. For about a week, I have been so discouraged, feeling like scrapping it all and never setting foot in a gym again. I ate 5 brownies one day, 2 servings of ice cream another day, and quit recording my macros. My only motivation has been to crawl into a hole and hide for a while. Yesterday, I actually started getting physically ill under the stress of it all. Okay, yes, it might have also had something to do with my bad food choices lately, but still. I haven't just lost a trainer, I've lost a friend.

Yesterday, I posted this on my facebook account:

I love people. I am quickly defensive of my friends and loyal to a fault. My heart is on my sleeve, always open, and trusts too easily. Most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it hurts especially when there are situations completely out of my control. My heart is so broken right now. I can't fix this. Sorry for being so vague. I just hope those who know what's going on will see this.

Matt has been advising me not to give up on my goals and dreams, not to throw away all the work I've done.  Last night, something he said truly reached my heart. I asked him if he thought this situation should harden me a bit, and he said this (paraphrased): "I think you need to put more value in everything that you put in people. Not just your trust, but yourself, your friendship you give people. When you develop a relationship with someone, you begin to pour yourself into that person. The deeper that friendship goes the more you invest. You advocate for them. You fight for them. You love and support them. Sometimes you challenge them to help them grow. Do not give that away so quickly or easily. Make them actually earn it. It is a very valuable part of you for someone to have."

So, this morning, I feel new resolve. I am not going to stop loving people with an open heart. I am just going to stop expecting so much from them on a personal level so quickly. I'm going to try to apply more grace and wisdom with how I approach my relationships, and be less reckless with my heart.

As far as my fitness journey, I am claiming it. My trainer has taught me well, and I have learned well. I would not have gotten this far without him, but I am on my own now. He led the way, but he did not carry me. I've worked very hard. I have been committed to following the plan. I have pushed myself to reach or exceed the goals he set for me in those workouts. My hands held those weights. My legs did those squats. My drive kept me going. He has been an excellent trainer and teacher to me, and I want to give him all the credit he is due, but this has not been his journey. It has been my journey, and it's still my journey now.

@jessicaenslowfit

So, here's the plan. I can't afford another trainer, for sure. So, from now on, I will be applying what I've learned and building on that.  I actually found another mom of 7 on Instagram who strength trains: @jessicaenslowfit . She's a little older than I am, and she's in great shape. A couple weeks ago, I asked my trainer how long it would take to reach her level of fitness, and he said 8-16 weeks. So, I'm shooting for 12. She recently shared a video about her fitness and nutrition plan. I'm going to start with that as a template for myself.

When I told the kids what had happened yesterday, their first thoughts were, "But who's gonna train us at the park now?! Hey mom, you can train us. You've learned a lot. You can make a good kids workout for us!"

And there it is. If they believe in me, I have to believe in me too.

I hurt badly for the situation my trainer has found himself in. I will pray for all involved, and I will be here ready to be a great friend if he ever wants my friendship again. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful family that needs me to live my life. They need me to be strong for them. They need me to be strong for me. I can do this. I have to do this.

Now, let's go.

A New Gym, and a Fresh Start

Monday Morning, I see this on my trainer's page:

Just to cease any rumors from starting I am no longer with ******* *******. That's it, no need for any further discussion. I don't believe in profiting from talking bad about or bashing others and i won't do it with this post. It was only a temporary job for me while I decided what I wanted to really do with my fitness career, not a big deal. I wish all my clients and friends the best with your fitness adventures and know that I am only a text or phone call away if you need help! This is a very good change for me mentally as now I am free again to pursue new adventures and really do something big on my own terms. Those of you who know my alpha personality its really the only option for me moving forward. The best is yet to come. Big thanks again to those of you I've met along the way you will always be family.

Um, WHAT?!?!  I knew this was coming, but it still hit me hard. I've been working really hard, and just started nutrition class, Matt just started officially training too. Oh, man. I felt kinda lost and abandoned right then.

Then, things got really positive. he said he was going to keep training us, even if we trained at a park. The kids were pumped. I was immediately in defense mode rallying together for our trainer. I sent an email to the owner of ******* ******* canceling our memberships, and we were all kind of on an exodus high feeling liberated and free from corporate corruption.

Then, Wednesday, things got crazy. I could tell he was getting discouraged, and my mama bear comes out (yes, even with friends). Who's messing with my friend?! Lemme at em!  Then, I'm afraid he really is going to quit being a trainer altogether, and I start feeling like an abandoned puppy in the rain. 4 hours later, he says we have a gym! Oh my goodness. I'm still recovering from Whiplash Wednesday!!! lol

The new gym is bigger, much more family friendly, less expensive, and has more equipment and classes available. I am so happy with the change.

Today was the first day training there. I brought the kids. They stayed in the play area. The play area has a bunch of toys, and even a train table. There are 2 dogs who stay at the gym: a boxer and a cocker spaniel. They are too sweet and just love everybody. 

Last week threw me off so bad. I hardly worked out, made bad food choices by the end, and ended up gaining 2 pounds. I am excited to get back on track and whip myself back into shape!  

Fist Bump for Fresh Start Friday!!