Patience with Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression is a real thing, and it really stinks. Basically, your emotions do not match your reality. You feel sad when there is nothing to be sad about, or angry when there is nothing to be angry about. After 12 years of snowballing PPD symptoms, I finally gave in and saw my doctor. I started taking an antidepressant. One of my major goals is replacing my antidepressant with working out. I know it's possible because endorphins can fight depression. I have felt a lot better since I started taking medication for PPD, but I don't want to be on medication!!  I look forward to the time when I am past the risk window for PPD, and I can wean off the medication, but I am not there yet, and that is really discouraging to me.

So, I need to give myself a pep talk. I'm just going to pretend I'm talking to someone else because it's so much easier to encourage other people, right? Yes, I realize this may make me sound like a crazy person, but hey! I'm already on an antidepressant. So, why not just go with it?  (Pssst... I am TERRIBLE at jokes. That was an attempt at making a joke.)

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Just 3 months ago, you couldn't even balance an empty barbell. You really strained to push that sled without any weight on it, and could hardly push it at all when he put a little weight on it. Your side planks were 6-10 seconds long. You could not do a plank on the stability ball. You gave your all when you put in 25 minutes on the stair stepper, and the elliptical was enough to kill you. Box jumps seemed like a pipe dream.

Today, you were squatting weight on the barbell (I'm not sure how much total) for about 30 minutes. You pushed that sled with no problem even when he added weight. Your side planks are now a full minute long. You CAN do a full minute plank on the stability ball. You put in 50 minutes on the stair stepper or elliptical, and you challenge yourself with speed and calorie burn. And, yesterday, you did 5 box jumps.  

3 months. Look what happened in 3 months. Give yourself a break. If this is PPD, you'll get off that medication, but you just need some more time. Keep at it, and imagine what you'll be able to do in another 3 months...

To My Husband with Love

You inspire me, honey. When you decide you want to do something, it gets done. You have worked so hard to earn your degrees and serve your students and patients well. You are the most loving and gracious husband I could've ever hoped for. You believe in me more than anyone ever has. You love me. You love us. You love this sweet family we have built together. I love how the support in our marriage goes both ways. I have encouraged and supported you to go after your dreams through the years, and you have always encouraged me to do the same. When I asked you about joining a gym and getting a personal trainer, we couldn't afford it. We still can't, but you gave me your full support because you believed I was worth the risk, and you believed I was a worthy investment. That is such a motivation to me to work hard to reach my goals. Ana took these pictures today marking 11 weeks of progress.  I am so incredibly happy with the results. I am so grateful to you for supporting me in this journey. I love you so much, honey. When I know you believe in me and support me, I can do anything. I give you a huge amount of credit for my physical transformation over the last 11 weeks.  

All my love,

Me

Quick Update With Pics

I have to go to bed because I'm getting up and going to the gym super early tomorrow, but I'm not tired yet. So, here's a little update while I hopefully get sleepy. 

Yesterday, I did my new home workout routine. It took me almost 3 hours, but next time, I'll pace it better so it doesn't take so long! When he says we're stepping it up, he's not kidding!! Holy cow! It was pretty fun, though. I love this new road I'm on, building and building on my progress. Here's some pictures with captions from yesterday's workout:

My sweaty face after doing a million and a half step ups

My Plie' squats were on point!! Pretty proud of them. :)

New weightlifting exercise! Stiff legged deadlift 20lb dumbbells

Side Plank. Look at my leg muscles!!! Yay!!

Multitasking: Breastfeeding while doing lying leg lifts. ;)

Selah held my finger while I finished my workout with "Superwomans"
It was very sweet.

Also, I totally forgot to blog about lifting the barbell a couple weeks ago! It was awesome. It made me feel weak, but strong at the same time. Here's some pictures from that day:

I was looking at my reflection, and thinking,
"Wow, I look so strong. I can't believe I am doing this!"

The faces I made in these crack me up. Super heavy for me,
but he wanted me to feel what heavy weight felt like. 
We will work up to this. I think it was 105 lbs total.

Okay, I really need to go to bed and get some sleep!! 6:45am training session tomorrow!! I will leave you with this video Matt made of me jumping today. This is significant because I thought I couldn't do it at all. Well, I guess I can.

True Gains

Having body builder friends has opened up a whole new world to me. Part of that is learning new phrases. The three I hear the most are: "Killing it!", "Crushing it!", and "Gains".  I didn't know what "gains" meant. I guessed it meant gaining muscle weight,  but I was wrong. "Gains" means any progress that gains ground on the way to reach your goals: losing weight, increasing endurance or strength, strengthening balance, etc.  It's actually a cool word to use.

Today was just one of those days that nothing seemed to go right. By evening, I was so stressed out. I had all this negative energy, and it was snapping out at my kids. Now, usually, I would've drown my stress in many pieces of chocolate sneaked out of sight of my kids. I would've eaten more and more until I started feeling sick. However, tonight was different. Even though I did succumb to a handful of chocolate chips in some almond butter, I did not make myself sick on sweets. Instead, I texted my mother in law and asked her if I could drop off the kids for a couple hours so I could go burn off some steam at the gym. She said she could! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!  So, I dropped them off and headed to the gym where I got on the elliptical and burned more calories than I've ever burned! That was so much better than getting sick on cookies or chocolates. 

One of those days...

I'm thankful for my bad day now because God used it to show me how I've gotten stronger in my spirit as well as in my body. That got me thinking about true gains. What I saw tonight in how I've grown stronger in stress management was a true gain. 

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" -Mark 8:36

A dear friend of mine has been strongly encouraging me in the direction of finding my comfort and strength in Christ alone, and not looking to any person to fill the void only He can fill. No praise or approval or physical "gains" can take the place of all we have in Christ. If I take this verse and read it how it's hitting my heart right now, it would say this:

465 calories!!!

"Sarah, what good is it if you reach all your physical goals, but lose sight of the things that are eternally valuable? What good is it if you teach your children to make healthy choices, but don't lead them to Jesus?"

I'm doing awesome physically. I'm losing weight. I'm getting stronger. My body is changing fast. Okay, all that is good! Be happy about that. Be proud of the work it has taken to get this far, but don't neglect your soul. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I read the Bible to strengthen my faith. We have missed so much church. My prayer life is lukewarm. How do I expect to get strong in my faith if I don't put in the work? That's like never working out and eating whatever I want, and expecting to be fit and strong physically. Think about that. It's absurd! 

So, I'm on track training my body, and I can see that it is having a good effect on my character, but I need training for my spirit, for my soul. I have Jesus, and I want to start living like it. I want to start pushing myself to true gains.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Prove It To Yourself

I went on the elliptical machine today and loved it. I burned more calories than I've ever burned! I love how I completely control my pace instead of having to keep up with it. I remember the first time I came in to the gym and tried the elliptical. I thought I was going to die after 15 minutes. Today, I went 3 miles in 45 minutes and burned over 400 calories!

I bought my ticket for the bodybuilding competition! I'm excited to support my sweet new friend, and at the same time, I am really nervous that I will see all the "perfect" bodies, and be really depressed about myself. So, I decided that I am going to train extra hard. If I know I've worked my butt off, I know I'll be a lot more confident. I started this journey to reach my goals, and I am determined to reach them. I was really encouraged today to see my gradual, yet huge progress over the last 8 weeks. It means so much to know that I am having success because I'm working hard and committed to following my nutrition plan. Sometimes, you just have to prove it to yourself. These photos are so encouraging to me. If you decide to get yourself in shape, do yourself a favor, and take pictures. Seeing your progress will be the fuel that keeps your spirit burning.