Making the Journey Mine

Okay. Here it goes...

Last year was great. Last year, I started seeing that I could be stronger and more fit than I thought I could be. I started weight training. I started learning about macros. All of my progress came to an abrupt halt due to circumstances beyond my control. Then, I just slowly quit. I quit calculating my macros. I quit working out. I quit blogging. I just got so discouraged.

Well, I'm ready to move on now and make my health and fitness journey my own. It's very good to give credit where credit is due, but as one of my midwives taught me, the greatest coaches teach you that it's all about you, and you don't really need them to succeed. The greatest coaches empower you; they don't use you to promote themselves.

So, I've gained 15lbs over the last 9 months, and I've lost any muscle development I'd gained. All the kids are odd numbered ages now:13, 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, and 1.5; and we recently joined the YMCA as a family. It's nice. Free childcare makes a huge difference!

I have to do this. I will do this. I put too much stock in a person and I gave that person way too much credit for my success. The truth is that I worked my butt off last year. I pushed myself. I dedicated myself to following a meal plan. I am grateful for the tools that were given to me to succeed, but I did the work. It is important for me to remember that.

I found another mom of 7 on Instagram named Jessica Enslow. She is in amazing shape, and since she's a little older than I am, a little shorter than I am, and has had as many babies, I feel like what she does is something I could do too. I am going to start here.

I also signed up with Plexus today. I hope these health products help me have more energy and maybe I'll be able to even get off my antidepressant. Who knows. I just know that my body needs some recuperation after 14.5 years of pregnancies and breastfeeding for almost all that time.

I have to prove this to myself, and I will. I hope you're all doing well. It's really nice to be back.

Here are some pics from this evening. I did legs and abs with Isaiah. Selah got in on it too!

Baby Fist Bump! Let's do this!

Decluttering My Soul and Getting Real

I am tired of all the distractions. A lot of my friends are great at decluttering their homes and becoming minimalists. I want that too. We have way too much stuff, and it steals our joy and dominates our time. Recently though, I have been focused on the much deeper issue of decluttering my soul.

There are so many distractions that rob me of a deep relationship with God, and I am sick of it. Really. It's starting to tick me off. I am so distracted with what people expect of me, and whether or not something I do will "offend" them. I have been discouraged to the point of paralyzation in my relationship with God.

I am 36 years old, and I want to live my life!! Who did God make me to be? What are my strengths? Who am I beyond "Mom"? What did God have in mind when he made me? I want to fearlessly pursue the answers to these questions. I want to let go of the distractions. I want to be more real than I've ever been.

What does this mean practically? It means that I will stop shackling my life to man's law, and enjoy my liberty in Jesus. This will upset some people. I'm going to start living authentically and stop playing the game of pleasing others. I want to please Jesus. I don't need to please you. If I am pleasing Jesus, but still disappointing you, then you need to reassess your standards because yours shouldn't be higher than His.

I'm not a theologian. I just want to let go of the extra-Biblical standards that have been holding me back and discouraging me from closeness with Jesus on a daily basis.

Because it's not about listening to super conservative music or staying away from movie theaters or not getting a piercing. It's not about abstaining from alcohol or dancing. It's not about how long my skirt is or if my swimsuit is 1 piece or not. It's not about having tattoo free skin. It's not even about having as many children as my womb can carry.

Although it's not wrong to hold to these standards, if they become more important than what God wants me to do, they become idols, and I become a Pharisee.

It's about being a source of love to a world that is broken and hurting. It's about being Jesus's hands and feet. It's about finding strength in Jesus Christ to reject fear and embrace love. It's about trusting Him, taking risks and rocking the boat. It is about seeing people as souls, not opportunities for judgment.

I want to be free. I WANT TO LIVE! Jesus says He is the way, the truth and the LIFE. I want to have what I've seen in others. I want my children to grow up knowing what is truly important, and not be overwhelmed with the standards that man tries to burden them with.

This post will certainly be frowned upon by some, even a disappointment to others, but I feel like it is necessary if I am going to grow.

With all the pain and violence in the world, I pray that my life would be a source of love and healing. That's all. I want God to use me to reach others with His love. I want my life to give others hope that there is a God that loves them and that can rescue them from the evil in this world. 

ENOUGH.

An example of my nutrition level lately

Last Friday, I rejoined my original gym. My family and I weren't the only ones to be hurt. The whole situation is sad and upsetting, but it's time to get over it and move forward. I told my kids that we need to be kind, be ready to forgive, and still have healthy boundaries with people who have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. There is no reason to carry any guilt or fear. I did nothing wrong. In fact, I did a lot of things right, and I know I was a good friend.

I can't let anyone manipulate me into feeling guilt when I am not guilty. I cannot let myself succumb to fear. I cannot let someone control my goals, my drive, or my plans for myself or my family like this. It has to stop.

So, I say, ENOUGH.

I got 35 minutes of cardio in yesterday. I have my belly dance class tonight. I will just start with being active everyday. I need to get back to eating healthier too. I've been inactive and unhealthy for more than 2 months now. It's time to get back on it.

Not a long post today, but an important one.

Get up, Mama.It's time to get that oxygen mask back on!

In Defense of The Messy Housewife

Luke 10:38-42  

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary,who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

For me, it's easy to be Mary. I see people. I see moments. I see memories. I see emotion and hurt feelings. When something is spilled or broken, my first thought and words out of my mouth are: "Is everyone okay?! Is anyone hurt?", not about the thing broken or the mess made. I see the truth in Ms Frizzle's quote, "Get messy! Make mistakes!"

My hero: Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus

The problem is that we housewives are not judged by how well adjusted our children are, how kind they are to other kids, or how they look out for each other. We are not judged by how well we have supported our husband's goals and dreams over the years. We are not judged by how much sleep we've lost to comfort and care for children, how we take the time to listen to their long accounts of their bad (or good) dreams, or how we breastfeed a baby through the whole night constantly sacrificing personal space. We are not judged by our smile, our hugs, or our patience.

No, I am judged by one thing more than anything else: the state of my house. If the house is clean and organized, laundry and dishes kept up, and meals planned; I am a success! If the house is a mess, I have dozens of loads of laundry to do, a sink overflowing with dishes, and I beg for takeout just so I don't have to add cooking to my list of things to do; I am a failure. My house is either my pride or my shame.

I want to speak out against this shaming. I want to stand up for myself, and hopefully help other messy housewives find the strength to stand up for themselves.

I am worth more than the state of my house. It's not fair to judge someone on their weaknesses. Why not see each other for our strengths? We "Marys" often feel extremely intimidated by "Marthas". Honestly, Marthas make me feel like a total screw up. I have so much respect for them and their beautiful welcoming homes. Often, they are very loving women that work hard to use their homes as a way to love others. Ugh!! I want to be like that so much!!! I feel like I should be able to be strong in all the Mary things and the Martha things too.


Is that realistic, though? I really don't think it is in this stage of my life, and "this stage of my life" has lasted over a dozen years now. One day, I won't have babies to hold and nurse or toddlers at my feet, but for the last 12 1/2 years, that has been my life constantly. Pregnant one year, infant the next, toddler and pregnant the next year, infant and toddler, pregnant and toddlers, on and on and on for 7 children. I am indeed a rich RICH woman, but all these growing little ones demand a lot of time and attention, and they make a lot of messes. I think it's reasonable to extend a little grace my way. 

Please, see my strengths when you see me, and understand that I want desperately to be better at keeping up with my housework. Maybe we need a new title. "Housewife" implies that our primary job is the house. Someone once told me that caring for the house was my calling and my ministry. No, friend. The house is just a part of it. My "ministry" is contained in the hearts and spirits of my husband and children. Yes, caring for them includes housework. I just don't want to be judged solely on how I stink at housekeeping. I am much more than that.

When Matt fell in love with me, he saw my people skills. He saw my love and care I have for people. Please don't reduce my worth to a messy house or even occasionally a clean one. There was a time when I would've accepted that shame and let it break me down, but I am seeing the fruit of my strengths as a wife and mom now. I have supported my husband through finishing his college degree, many job changes, a major career change, nursing school, and continuing his education to this day. Our children are kind and smart and strong, and we have developed a good open line of communication.

Don't look at me and see a messy house. I am in the business of heartkeeping more than housekeeping. I will get better at the housekeeping part, and I truly need to get better at it. However, judge me by my strengths, and I'll judge you by yours. 

Love and peace to you all. I'll sign off with a picture of Selah in the sock basket.

Joy on a Crazy Monday Morning (Mom, you're gonna love this one)

Right now, Selah is in her pack n play right next to me screaming. I just nursed her and changed her. She just wants me, and that's okay, but sometimes Mommy needs a break!  ---Just as I was writing that, Silas came in, put a little drum and little drumstick in the pack n play for Selah, and she's happy now. Praise Jesus for thoughtful siblings!!

I wanted to write this morning because my heart has been just overflowing with joy and gratitude and love.  I've been very stressed about getting our house refinanced because it means a guy has to come do a walk through. I just wanted the house to look it's best. Well, it's not going to look how I want it to look, and I will be hiding the dirty laundry in black trash bags in the shed...

Okay, but listen. Even though the house is messy, dishes are mounting high in the sink, and we are in the middle of repainting the dining room, we had Matt's brothers over last night for poker night.  It was so fun! Instead of letting the messy house control our plans, we chose to enjoy our brothers. We needed that time catching up, laughing, and just being together. It had been way too long. That sink full of dishes didn't even matter.

This morning, I wanted to get up early, take a very needed shower, and finally get some clean clothes on myself.  Instead, Matt and I overslept, the milk was almost gone, Isaiah missed his bus, and we couldn't find Matt's coffee cup... just to name a few mishaps!

Normally, I would've been a total wreck, in tears, probably shouting, and everyone would be miserable, but not this morning. When we overslept, Matt came over and just held me. He told me how he loved me so much and snuggled his face in my cheek. For some reason, my spirit remained joyful as we ushered our kids through getting ready for school. I got the coffee made, helped them find their shoes, and made time to sit with Matt and tell him how I wish he knew how much I loved him and how I wished time would just stop so I could just stare at his face and hold him all day. Even though he had to get to work, he got Eli's prophy treatment done.

We were running too late for the kids to walk to school. Isaiah missed his bus. Ana was a little grumpy because Daisy had kept her up last night. However, we just laughed about it. Happy Monday, Reeves family!!

I believe God was showing me something. He was showing me all the joy I miss when I let my circumstances control me. I would've missed out on that fun time with Matt's brothers last night. I would've missed out on Matt's affection this morning. I would've missed those little smiles; in fact, I would've snuffed them out. I would've missed seeing the principal give my Ana a look to match her grumpy face and make her smile on her way into school. I would've missed Daisy dancing to the music on the radio. I would've missed teasing Isaiah about our being his bus today and enjoying that extra time with him on the 15 minute ride to his school. I would've missed that sassy preteen look he gives me, and feeling that tug in my heart as I watched him walk into the school and down the hall. Yes, I sat there and watched him! Don't judge me! ;)

There is much freedom in this lesson. I am not a prisoner to my circumstances. I can be happy when life is a mess. I can be free! I have been living in an unlocked prison cell; but wow, it sure feels locked when my postpartum depression kicks in.

In the process of writing this, Selah has had more episodes of crankiness, I have picked her up and nursed her 2 or 3 times. Daisy and Silas just got in a fight over applesauce. I confess, I did yell, but when I'm nursing the baby in the next room, it's not easy to get over to them and physically break up the fight. Oh well. Onward in this joy journey on this crazy Monday! Circumstances do not control me. I can choose joy. Yes, Mom. I said it. You've waited 36 years for this. ;) I hope this encourages someone else to courageously choose joy in the midst of chaos today.

. . .Now, about that shower. . .

I Am Absolutely Loving Dance!

Last night, I joined a jazz dance class! Last year, I did belly dance, and I loved it! Since we have 5 children taking dance classes this year, we are up to the unlimited class level. So, I thought I'd add a class for myself. I mean, why not, right?! I am so glad I did! I only started dancing last year as a 35 year old woman. I had no idea how much it would mean to me. Dancing is such a beautiful art expression. It's fun, a great stress reliever, and dancing with a group of women creates a sisterhood that I really need in my life. Not to mention how it provides the regular time out of the house that I desperately need for myself!

For the last month, I have been trying to pick myself up, brush myself off, and get going in my fitness again. It has been hard to be motivated, but I have to be gracious to myself and recognize that I needed some time to grieve the loss of a friend and the loss of the gym and weight training (at least for now).  I started The 21 Day Fix, but I let myself keep missing days. I started The Whole30, but after daily gorging myself on nuts and fruit, I quit. I need to decide what I'm doing and stick to it! Being self motivated is not easy!

Last night, my jazz class was just the thing I needed. We spent a lot of time stretching, and then tried some new (to me) dance steps. It was great. I feel like God is giving me the gift of dance, and I am so thankful. Belly dance starts next Tuesday!!

As far as the kids: Daisy and Silas are in a combo ballet tap class. It's adorable, and they are loving it. Malakai, Eli, and Ana are all doing acro, and Ana is doing ballet of course. I am so thankful for our dance studio, the teachers, the other dancers, and the other dance families. Dance is a wonderful part of God's creation. I'm loving this part of myself I never discovered before! Here's to another wonderful dance year!

I am going to get going on the 21 Day Fix again, and stick with it this time. I gotta keep myself in shape for my dance classes!

*All the pictures in this post are from our dance classes last year taken by Cheryl Keeran. (Daisy jumped in with Ana for one of her ballet pics <3 )

Weekend

This weekend did not go as I expected, but hey, that's normal, right? Saturday, I was dressed and ready to go do my workout when my friend's son texted and said he was on his way to do some yard work for us. He did an amazing job!! It is such a relief to have things cleaned up out there! He worked for about 6 hours, and by the evening, I needed to get my little people fed, bathed, and to bed. That workout didn't happen!

Sunday, my oldest was down sick all day. We didn't make it to church. . . again. I had to go shopping. We were out of coffee at home. So, I bought a $0.50 coffee at the Meijer bakery. The only thing they had were those little creamers. So, I cheated on Whole30, and put 2 creamers in my coffee. It was gross, but it helped clear my head!

We stopped by Mad Goat on the way home. I got a cold brew coffee for me, a hot coffee (with heavy whipping cream) for Matt, and 2 bags of coffee beans for home. We dropped off Matt's coffee at the hospital, and we went home. The boys were in charge of bringing the groceries in from the van. Well, 1 of the 3 gallons of milk made it in whole. . .

I caved and put heavy whipping cream in my coffee. Then, I added stuff and put it in the blender to make it a smoothie. It was good, but another cheat because no dairy is allowed on Whole30.

The kids and I worked on picking up the house all day, and I made dinner. No workout again.

I could sit here and beat myself up over my failures this weekend, but I'm not going to do that. We moms are our own punching bags too often. Instead, I'm going to list all the things that went right this weekend:

• Our yard got some MUCH needed attention.
• I didn't yell at my kids (scolded, yes; but no yelling).
• Snuggles and book reading with my little ones
• Precious time spent caring for my oldest
• The house still needs a lot of work (laundry is my enemy), but it's much more picked up now!
• We got an invisible fence for Eleanor, and she's responding to it beautifully!
• We are eating healthier.
• The kids and I were able to really bless Matt with that middle-of-the-day coffee yesterday. :)

Some of my time this weekend has been well spent reading STILL {when all else fades away} by Tiffany Nardoni. This book is my friend's heart printed on paper. You cannot read her story and not change. This has everything to do with my perspective on this weekend. Tiffany has been to the worst place any parent can imagine, and she'll be the first to tell you that things are just things. Plans fail. The only things of true value are God's love, our trust and faith in him, moments spent loving our family and friends, and learning to hold what (and who) we love with an open hand. How could I be down in the dumps over laundry, a couple cheats on Whole30, and missed workouts after that? No, I can't. Reading her story opens my eyes to the importance of: reading that storybook with my little one, snuggling with my babies on the porch swing, a soft answer to wild children, smiling and enjoying their silliness, and seeing how my 12 year old still covets and treasures my attention when he's feeling sick. These little things are actually the big things. Tiffany, if you're reading this, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am only on chapter 6, and it is already helping me be a better wife and mom. I am blessed to call you my friend. Love you!

So, today, I am going to care for these precious people who call me Mom, feed them, get done what I can, and remember that today is a gift. If we don't get a tomorrow, what will I wish I would've done today? 

Love and hugs from this mama to you. Have a happy Labor Day!